Juniper's Radical Authenticity

Women's Moon Centers 101

2008-07-22T02:23:00.000-07:00

We have moon centers! This was news to me.

And it arrived at a workshop in Espanola, New Mexico at the Sadhana Solstice Retreat. The revelation: just how attuned our female bodies are to the rhythms of the moon.

I had always known our general sensitivity to the tides in terms of our menstrual cycles, but I didn’t have a full understanding of the beautiful pattern we move through physically and energetically every 27.5 days.

We have 11 Moon Centers in our body, and we dwell in each one for 2 1/2 days. Every woman’s rotation pattern is unique, and stays the same her entire life. This seems to be fairly basic and essential info about our Being. Yet what do we learn in school? Hardly anything about our own essence, it seems.

The wonderful woman teaching the workshop was Jivan Joti Kaur and she’s written 2 books: The Art of Making Sex Sacred and Dying Into Life: The Yoga of Death, Loss, and Transformation.

According to Jivan Joti Kaur, moon centers are: “Sensitive physical areas located on the woman’s body that are responsive to lunar energies and affect how we deal with our everyday life. ”

I will admit that I haven’t yet charted out my moon centers on my calendar but I have every intention of doing so! However, I don’t think I will check the calendar in the mornings and then have that moon center become part of the reality I create, but I can perhaps check in the evenings for a while to see what matches up — use it as a tool as I get used to it. Use this knowledge as you will and let me know what you think!

After a bit of research, I also learned that Moon Centers are used in tantric sexual interactions, but I know little of this and will instead refer you to this article.

To chart your moon center, we use a pendulum. The premise of a pendulum is that we have an energy field/aura that lies within our physical form, but also extends beyond the perimeter of our personal perimeter. The pendulum is sensitive to our higher truths within that energy field. We can ask it anything we like!

Steps to finding your personal moon center pattern:

1. Find a pendulum of sorts (a necklace does fine as long as it has a heavier than all the others bead/object), and hold it in front of you with one hand, over the other hand’s palm. Focus and center yourself, big deep breaths to bring you present.

2. Say the word, “yes” over and over, outloud or silently — and focus. Watch the pendulum react with either swinging forward or back, in clockwise or counter-clockwise circle. Make a note of how it reacts to “yes.”

3. Do the same for “no.” Everyone’s “no” and “yes” is different so pay attention!

4. You can now ask the pendulum whatever you like, and it willl answer with your “no” or “yes.”

5. Figure out what moon center you’re in right now by going down the list (below) and asking: “Am I in my . . . moon center?” and letting the pendulum answer for you.

6. Go through the list again and ask: “is ….. my next moon center?”

7. “is ……my third moon center?” And so forth!

8. Take out your calendar, and ask “Am I in the first day of my …..”? (whichever you’re in now). Followed by: “Am I in the first-half of the day of my …….” Then you can plot it out on the calendar, following your personal pattern and switching every 2.5 days.

The most important piece to understand with the different “aspects” of your centers, is that if you take care of yourself (your physical, mental, emotional, and energetic well-being) — the positive aspects of each center will be present. The more balanced we are, the more choice we have in being affected and it can become a beautiful subtle wave each month of various strengths. Here is a meditation to help balance your moon centers!

Our 11 moon centers:

Clitoris: very social, likes to network and connect
Vagina: also social, but deep cavity — tendency to be inward and pensive.
Thighs (inner organs also): most organized, to the point of obsession, you make your lists, clean, organize. Best time to do the things on your lists.
Navel: most insecure, which creates a lot of pain. Do: breath of fire, navel power sets, meditate, silence, go inward, write, be creative, dance. Don’t: chocolate fest.
Breasts/Nipples: most compassionate and heart-centered. Dangerous: might have a hard time setting your boundaries. Most likely to be sensual/sexual - affects whether you want to be touched.
Back of the neck - very romantic and erotic. flirtatious, takes risks and not very logical. Not a good time to make a decision but a good time to brainstorm. Not good for planning, meetings, or detailed work.
Lips: speech, communication. Words can be uplifting/effective. But if you’re not balanced, words can be harsh and alienating. Be careful or be still! May be most into kissing and erotic expression.
Cheeks: most dangerous! We’re crazy. Most emotional, illogical, and delusional. Emotions run away with themselves, say things we don’t mean, pick fights.
Earlobes: Self-righteous, connected to our values, more prone to activism and judgmental.
Eyebrows: most subtle part of our parasympathetic nervous system. illusionary/imaginary. Be creative or brainstorm and play! Don’t make decisions or go shopping, but dream.
Hairline (archline): Our halo. Wisdom, focused. Time you’re most connected to your essence. Great for decisions!

Spontaneity Burst - New Mexico Roadtrip

2008-06-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know many people in Austin as I've been focused on my spiritual/personal development - on learning and practicing the art of happiness!
My closest friends would be Philip, our (well technically his) cat Moisha, and Joshua.
So, as Philip's chasing tornados, on my last day in Los Angeles I called Joshua to see what he's up to when I get back. Turns out he's leaving to go to a Summer Solstice 10 day Kundalini Yoga Retreat in the mountains of New Mexico - at 11:30 pm that night. Camping, roadtrip first. My flight arrived at 11:30 but the retreat sounded irresistible - the synchronisity beautiful, and the spontaneity more than alluring. He mentioned volunteering in exchange for cheaper cost which made the trip sound more realistic as the price is $700. It all sounded crazy, but I called their office late that Sunday to see how the universe would reply to this option: They offered to set me up with either a financial aid scholarship or volunteer scholarship. The volunteer scholarship had a 6 hour/day commitment so I opted for financial aid as I knew I'd be working for Swift Kick, editing Moseley's book, creating a website for my Aunt, and working on a business plan. Well, hoping and trying to be that productive while going to as many yoga workshops as possible and enjoying the mountains.
2 hours of logistics later, I had a tent, Philip overnighting the wireless card, approval from the bosses, 4 people in the car willing to wait while I packed, a yoga mat, ride from the airport, camelback, and had sent checks to "box pack mail" in Espanola, New Mexico so I could have access.
The other 4 in the trip who patiently waited until 2am are Josh, Sophia, Andrew, and Victor - Josh knew everyone, and Andrew knew Victor, but we mostly were strangers and we had ALL decided that Sunday to go on this trip :-) I had spoken with Victor through couchsurfing as we had hoped to meetup based on our similar interests. He was hitch-hiking through the US.
I never quite decided whether to go or not, just kept my options open by packing and well, I was already packed, and they were waiting, so off we went. The old white volvo stationwagon fit all of our gear perfectly, including a box of tuna the boys got in the dumpster and clothes we found at a Goodwill dropoff.
I did much of the night driving and was surreally surprised at the spectacular early sunrise over the desert of west Texas. If only I enjoyed the sunset every morning - what better way to start your day than awe at the beauty of life and nature?
Our first stop was at a springs only a bit off the highway - in a town that looked somewhat if not completely deserted. The signage was confusing, but we found our way, into a natural springs that had fish and rock bottom but had concrete walls keeping it in for us.
I really wish they would just let the spring be natural - rather than messing up the ecosystem like that. It was fun to swim with the fish! We had a half-dumpster/half-homemade vegan food picnic.
We then practiced various yoga poses on the rocks.... on the diving board... in front of the water.. and near the trees, to take fun photos. The other Texan travelers were pleasantly intrigued and friendly about the hippi city yoga group.
The small towns we saw along the way made me wonder how people make any money there - that there would seem to be a certain amount of cash in the town and it would be hard to make more - I tried to conceptualize the economics of small towns. Would companies owned outside the town be beneficial because its bringing money and jobs in ? Most likely not as the profit goes elsewhere. So helping local entrepreneurs sounds like a great idea, but where are the townspeople going to get the money to pay for the services? I've got to mull on this one a bit more as my spiritual focus has temporarily taken away immediate access to my economic wit.
I realized that I would go straight from the retreat to Colorado for my dads birthday and cousins recital... then I have no reason to return to Austin before going to friend/reunion Wyoming party fest at a farm and the National Rainbow gathering is close. After that maybe I'll go visit Philip and Fitz on the road chasing tornados for an NBC show - maybe see if I can help out!
Next stop was Albuqueque, to sleep on the floor of Josh's former roommates house. We slept in one room as the ferret would purportedly be making quite a bit of noise in the other.
On the way I learned that Victor, the belgian, just finished school in Montreal where he was doing a masters degree in sustainability impact assessment... and as i've taken a class on it we had quite a bit to talk about, in half-french and half-english.
I also learned how Andrew went to a sort of free-school similar to Waldorf and we discussed childhoods, and education and how important it is for children to have their creativity, imagination, independence, and choice.
The next morning we slept in a bit, I did some work and they patiently hung out, and off we went to find the co-op and stock up for another picnic but this time at a hotsprings. We went first to a wonderful co-op where I saw a man I'd met at the Austin World Wellness Weekend and soon realized it was a great friend of Josh's. He gave us directions to the retreat but I'm not sure any of us were intently listening enough as we later realized.
We walked to the costume store across the way... I opened the door cautiously saying it didn't seem right and the owner of 16 years came around the corner to explain that you don't browse... she asks what you're looking for and then brings out your options.. she talked and talked... about how her costumes had won prizes... how they're authentic and she's even created a bigfoot costume.
I really like Albuquerque.. there's something beautiful, enchanting, real and alternative about it. Across the street was a metaphysical bookstore.. but though we hesitated we passed it by as we already have many books in the car on such topics.
We drove north from albuquerque and after a couple asking of directions, stopping at waterfalls, losing sunglasses and skinny dipping in their pursuit, we found the hotsprings.... enjoyed scrumptious watermelon and soaked in the hot water despite the heat. The view was amazing - nature at it's best.
Sophia made an avocado-sprouts masque and massaged it into my hands, and victor and andrew's faces - the sprouts floated around the hot springs like bubbles in the water.
As it was time to move on, we got out of the pools and moments later tons of people started arriving. We continued on to the retreat.
We found ourselves in Espanola, with no map, no internet, and no directions. But you're never that disconnected... we called Andrew's mom and directed her to the website. The directions still didn't make sense, so we followed a sikh woman in a turban to the dollar store and i asked her, after explaining we'd just been swimming as I was in my bathing suit and feeling inappropriate in her presence.
And off we went.

We had vague directions and it wasn't on a map.

Face to face with my inner pain

2008-06-16T02:26:00.000-07:00

My decision-making mechanism wasn’t cooperating when I was weighing whether or not to go on this retreat. It was a constant back and forth — I need to buckle down and work, but I’m depressed and not productive, but I’ll feel better if I’m productive, but I can’t even get up before noon because I don’t care, but I need the money, but this trip will be good for me, but maybe I’m just escaping, but the retreat is me facing myself rather than just a distraction.

Eventually, I packed, even as I oscillated between worrying that I was running from my problems and loving the spontaneity of it all. I used to travel constantly — crazy and wild spontaneous trips — and living in Austin I had settled down with all its benefits and drawbacks. I even wrote a poem, senior year of college, called “My trips, my drugs” – a seasoned vet at life highs/experiences. It was invigorating to get back to that part of me, I told myself, so long as I do it in such a way that I’m processing my experiences and taking care of myself.

I had gone to the extreme during my senior year – left every weekend, never even unpacked my boxes, up till 4 a.m. every night working or on the phone or biking around or dancing; slept on the couch, didn’t buy books for school, left for the last month of school for my 4th United Nations Commission on Sustainable Development and speaking at the Asia Pacific Roundtable on Sustainable Consumption and Production in Vietnam before going to Brazil to visit my sister volunteering in the favelas (slums) and do a research project on the Clean Development Mechanism’s affect on the pig farmers.

My body started saying no more – I lost my sense of time and my stomach wasn’t literally physically digesting well – a reflection of myself not digesting/processing my experience of the world.

I digress, however, so I’ll return to the roadtrip – and how wary (and worried) I was that I’d regress into an old pattern instead of embracing a spontaneous trip in a healthy, balanced way. In the end, the adrenaline rush of the getting back to wild trips – the reason why friends call and ask, “Where in the world are you right now?” – plus the intense need for healing won over.

With my confusion about my depression I wasn’t sure what I was facing – or least wasn’t yet aware. The roadtrip was healing in many ways in itself, a lovely precursor. There were 5 beautiful beings, Josh, Sophia, Andrew, Victor and myself. I was reminded of my passion for environmental-sustainability through discussions with Victor (a couchsurfing belgian friend who spontaneously joined us), of my interest and background in Waldorf/alternative education with Andrew (a fellow yogic Austinite), and came face to face with my inner darkness.

I loved traveling with others as spontaneous as myself – three of us had decided that day for the trip. We stopped at sunset to take photos and explore an abandoned ranch – dancing on the side of the road without our egos.

Next we ventured to Balmorhea Springs – cold springs off the highway and jumped in the water with the fish. Someone decided to photograph us doing yoga poses on the diving board and rocks in the water, so that it looked like we were walking on water. After having watched the others confidently and peacefully do their yoga during lunch, I felt really self-conscious. I’m pretty sure they’ve all done yoga teacher training. I knew most of the poses that they were practicing, just lacked the confidence to just be present and listen to my body and let go of my ego. I tried to be comfortable and would do a couple poses, then would just lay down to sunbath instead and try not to show my jealously. I wasn’t able to just be okay with my level. I hoped that at the retreat I could be proud of where I’m at and be supportive of others.

I ended up taking almost all of the photos as I lacked yoga-pose-confidence to want to be in the spotlight. Finally, towards the end I stepped up and asked to be in one of the photos – doing Tree Pose on the diving board, something I knew I could handle. The other Texan travelers lounging there were intrigued and friendly about the hippie-yoga group.

Next stop was Albuquerque, sleeping in the living room of Josh’s friend, where after getting in quite late I felt like venturing for food. Victor offered to make me food instead. I felt somewhat hungry, but more felt like I should be eating based on having lost so much weight in the past 6 months. The weight loss wasn’t on purpose, I just started to listen to my body more and thus eat less sugar, breads and dairy. It felt so healthy but my family was alarmed when they saw me so I started to wonder about it. I had a strange response of feeling like maybe I should be eating more but knowing I should just listen to my body- head versus spirit. I felt weird around all these health-nuts eating pasta and sauce late at night before going to bed. I know it’s not good to eat right before sleeping. I do believe that being more spiritual and energetically aware and nurturing myself beyond through the means of physical food, I need less energy from that source. I’ve found that if I meditate and do yoga in the morning I have less need for food to get my energy for example and have less cravings.

The following morning we found our way to Spence hotsprings, on a beautiful mountainside, with 2 pools and the place to ourselves which truly allowed for us to connect with each other. On they way we found white clothes at thrift stores to prepare for White Tantric Yoga at the retreat. It was exhilirating going to the retreat with practically no knowledge of what to expect, with such strange things as White Tantric Yoga i’d never heard of.

The top pool has a small cave, the source of the spring - just enough room for one or two people, with colorful leftover wax from other beings’ delightful nights. The water is quite hot in there and if you’re clausterphobic you’ll surely not enjoy it. I went in the first time and just relaxed, the first thoughts being how wonderful it is to be on the road and how I want to keep exploring in this way. Andrew experienced the cave as going to the source, to nature, and had a wonderful spiritual encounter. So I decided to see the cave in that light - I re-entered the cave meditating on reconnecting with Gaia, our mother earth, and moved towards the underwater stone, the source. I was stopped harshly in my gentle movements by seeing a skull on the stone - I persisted, with positive momentum, desires and focus of reconnecting - and the skull turned to a face of utter agony and each second demonstrated more extreme writhing pain. I couldn’t stand my ground - I turned around and quickly went back to the comfort of my fellow companions, bluntly telling them about the skull but not offering much explanation but a white face.

I was scared – really scared. I had so strongly believed that I was going to reconnect with Gaia, ultimately with myself, that the energetic/physical world in front of me illustrated what I was up against inside. The pain and fear that I would have to move through to reconnect with my light and the light of the universe. I thought about venturing back in, to try and understand and overcome what I was up against – perhaps get different visuals and prove my strength. It had jolted me too much, and I won’t be hard on myself for having just let it alone. I suppose I knew I wasn’t strong enough to face it yet and would wait for some guidance at the retreat.

I still didn’t have a name for the pain, but now I had a second extreme visual of it.
I knew it was inside, thus of course at any time I could have access to understanding what it was that was bringing in such heaviness, but I think I needed the retreat to create the gently prodding open space for that exploration. I knew barely anything about the retreat but it probably wouldn’t have mattered too much as I was so ready to feel better.

As it was time to move on - we got out of the pools to jump in the cool river below and moments later multiple groups of people started arriving - wonderful timing.

We soon found ourselves in Espanola looking for the retreat, with no map, no internet, and no directions. But nowadays it’s rare you’re that disconnected… we called Andrew’s mom and directed her to the website. The directions still didn’t make sense, so we followed a Sikh woman in a turban to the dollar store and I asked her, after explaining why I was inappropriately in a bathing suit in the middle of town, how to find it. She calmly explained the few turns, and off we went up the 8 miles of dirt road until we saw the large circus-like tents.

First day in Mexico...

2008-05-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'm bemused by pink-white stripped dress paired with blue-white polka dot shoes and $5 grocery store sunglasses as i traipse around Puerto Vallarta. There are enormous seagulls above me, constantly inspiring me to stop and just admire.
To get here, I packed all night, and finally decided to trade 2 hours of sleep for having to finish getting ready at the airport (nails, hair, and legs). 7am rushed to the San Antonio airport to my first row of empty seats (seems to happen to me 90% of the time). As most flights these days I was asleep before they closed the door and woke up with the shuffle of getting bags from overhead bins.
Mexico City Airport is huge, clean, and pretty much like any other big international airport. However, on little sleep, I didn't think to explore much and only 20 minutes before my flight after my 8 hour layover of intermittent internet I paid $10 for, did I discover the huge sparkling mall.
My flight arrived at 9:30 pm and my couchsurfing host Gustavo (from Houston) met me at the airport and helped me figure out that renting a car would definitely not be worth it! I'm used to the independence of cars, and being able to offer rides, be in control, etc - but I'm loving walking and trying to communicate with taxi drivers.
The desert welcome event was already technically over for the arriving wedding guests, but I managed to get in touch with one of my good friends using Gustavo's US-landline phone in his downtown apartment and the party was just starting at Villa Suzanna. The cab driver had never heard of it, but for $17 and after asking for directions and almost not making it up the Milliondollar villa crowded cobblestone streets, I walked through the open door of a 5-story villa with a breathtaking view, pool, hottub, bar, and new and old friends enjoying the ipod-hooked-up music and local bartenders, chocolates, and more.
I came to this wedding knowing... the groom, and 4 great guy friends, wondering how I'll fit with an older crowd - from all parts of the country and the world, as a single youngun comparatively. What role was I walking into?

Within minutes I knew it would be amazing and everyone was so friendly - connections here and there.... Kelly knows Ashley who i danced and hung out with at Mardi Gras 2 years ago.... Fitz worked on a project with my old boss.... and people that I'd met at New Orleans Jazz Fest.... Aspen SneakerBall.. Vegas Birthday Party....Mardi Gras.
Conversations varied from egos and The Power of Now and sleep, to airplanes crashing, getting arrested at the Olympics, Hunter thinking my friends a Thug, midnight roadtrips to Vegas, how on earth the ladies could be reasonable and go to bed hours ago.

The evening ended at 4:25 after my guy friends, the groom, and I had spent hours, the last ones standing/dancing strong, conversing and laughing. It made me smile that myself and my good friends were the last, a reunion harking back to Vegas, Aspen, Boulder, New Orleans.....

There's already talk of how we can have another destination wedding, trying to setup guests :-)

Around noon I meandered out to find the sand sculptor my couchsurfing host was helping out. Apparently this sculptor makes $50,000 in 6 months in tips out here. I can tell why - it was incredible. absolutely incredible. Like a tourist I snapped a photo.

There's a definitive lack of vegetarian food available.
Again, a similar feeling to Vietnam of being a walking dollar. My humanity is tested when I'm constantly approached in such manner - my tendency is to want to ignore them, but they deserve respect and recognition as I can hardly blame them for their position - could I see myself doing the same thing in their situation? Than how can I be rude to them?

My American Tourist "know-how" was properly illustrated when the couchsurfer had to explain how to tell between USDollars and Pesos. The US symbol being $ and the Peso being the same but with ONE line - I was hardly looking close enough to notice. Yay for Americanism - and fortunately the exchange rate is easy to convert ...move the decimal over one spot!

I was dying of thirst from the heat after working a bit in the afternoon but nothing seemed to have fresh juice or Chai Tea despite their menus advertising them.
I ventured into the grocery store and bought: strawberry smoothie, mango, water, mango juice for a total of $4. It definitely crossed my mind to stock up on cheap food in a second suitcase!

I miss my cat.

My Trips My Drug

2008-03-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

A poem.. written in the style of Ginsberg's Howl
My trips, MY drug

Part one:

I watch myself plan another drug binge of ridiculous absurd adrenaline pumping crazed trips flying driving bussing running training walking biking with bags and bags and scarves always on the move opportunities galore created, spending earning couchsurfing free and wild freedom freedom freedom chasing

Where my veins pump pump pump with epinephrine trying to out-drive my own record of 20 hours straight stopping only barely for more fossil fuels from foreign countries we keep fighting - feeling guilty as an activist tree hugger but addicted with my tongue burning raw from Redbull and sour candy putting my body in a state of shock

Where I pick up hitchhikers on their way to California to grow medicinal marijuana and live in a tree or fill my car with random people from websites safe unsafe risky business don’t tell my friends - but saving the cost of the trip with me driving driving always control

Where I use couchsurfing to find a place to crash just in case and find myself in my old apartment, the host handing me my W2 forms and other mail - my shower curtain in the shower, he doesn’t like Hunter Thompson but maybe I’ll forgive him

Where family deaths and healthcare woes are brought up harshly by billboards in Tennessee advertising private hospitals like shopping malls, What has our healthcare system come to?

Where I slouch in wicker chair staring at big white feet on the hardwood floor in this apartment without power for days don’t open the refrigerator no hot water the rent hasn’t been paid a gas lamp hangs from the ceiling fan and nothing nothing is open on Sundays in the south not even the 24 hour power outage hotline

Where we lose an hour of time, our cell phones springing forward no warning no desire while dancing lively music, chatting with the accordion player at 3 am about Bush’s latest pretense at an energy bill – changing daylight savings time – the mother effing cherrypicker.

Where I get sad driving into a changed New Orleans, all the troublemakers have come back my friend warned, I no longer have my freedom to gallivant with murders every weekend. It’s alright the police say, it’s the criminals killing the criminals, bullshit I think as I watch the adorable 2 year old who’s only concern is keeping the 20 Thomas trains connected on the marble floor of the million dollar apartment overlooking the river, he’ll be moved soon, New Orleans won’t provide much childhood

Where I realize no one knows I’m in Vienna with my bags lost and a job in Paris in 24 hours with a Canadian actor, the freedom worry and exhilarating wandering around Vienna with my fluenttenyearsago German the plane too pricey the train too pricey the bus just right, 18 hours, have no choice but leave the country without my bags

Where he’s from Los Angeles and he’s from Virginia and they get the pick of the litter the girls the southern belles in baton rouge because they work in movies and are smart - better than New Orleans full of Mexicans who didn’t even bring their wives, haggling with customer service reps, turn my bankcard bank on and raise the limit so I can pay Emma the $640 for the rental car because I don’t have a license or credit card

Where I run into strangers who know my best friends during impromptu 4 am bass parades - it’s late join the parade don’t walk alone you’ll get shot

Where I drive into New Orleans after midnight a month after Katrina everyone in the car naïve - at every national guard post they won’t buy our story we have no map so drive drive drive and we’re lucky stumbling upon the only unguarded bridge - Suddenly we’re in the middle of downtown in a big white auspicious gas-guzzling SUV surrounded by military vehicles what will they do? Keep driving towards the lights the only place with lights, Bourbon street bright twilight zone of people and live music and open alcohol bottles party party party to forget forget don’t walk a block the lights are gone the people dead

Where I’m lost in the midst of little villages in Canada so small nothings open and my naïve American question receives laughs and confusion “which is the USA?” cell batterys dying and my dad can’t find me on the map – I have no map, I never have a map – just keep driving

Where I delight in the largest fire I’ve seen naked dancing music green goodness smoke smoke smoke and find my viola again playing with the voices and guitars up to the stars

Where I meet funny people while walking 100 blocks on sheer ice solo with luggage to play poker with kindergarten friends at midnight before sliding in the direction of my flight

Where last minute I catch a ride to bus to subway to rental car advertise online - rent sportscar pickup craigslist rider girl getting lost pulled over for swerving driving driving speeding 115 to New York city learning what cars are undercover cops almost died - arriving at 6am for roof party with band Zero 7’s off to find the next bar at 8am we get lost and I find central park for a nap at 9am with the families and couples of brightly colored towels the sun shining hot. Back to Zero 7’s keyboardist “will you marry me?” him and a bunch of tequila ask me…I almost move to London

Where I fly to Rome last minute find myself at free Simon & Garfunkel show Coliseum people people food smells full moon energy crying and realizing I can stop traveling around Europe now

Where I fly 24 hours in Portland, 24 hours in Denver sorry parents but we’re on deadline for a book - I know it’s Christmas but it’s fine not much value on that tradition I’m not religious anyways sorry next time I’ll come for longer maybe you could pay?

Where I get all my cities mixed up where am I? Spent more time out of the city I live in - frequent flier miles on every airline haphazardly organized I’m dizzy what day is it do I know you?

Where my sore ribs sore achy neck straining to check whether each car is an undercover cop hurting hurting speeding speeding don’t worry I don’t get tickets or accidents or crashes or run out of gas I’m in control without a map or directional sense don’t touch the wheel I want control

Where I find myself stoned am I dreaming? On the scariest rollercoaster in the middle of the desert thrills not sure I’ll survive but it doesn’t matter

Where I find myself sitting in a fancy shmancy palm suite in Vegas listening to the entire Big Lebowski movie because the TV won’t work with us listening slumped in plush couches visuals visuals never heard so many sounds that cost me $1000 friend never paid me back atrocious

Where I am salsa dancing in Los Angeles best dancer ever from Peru - white dress to stand out, do things differently everyone watching. Still get his emails

Where I find myself obsessed with a sunflower up for days jazz dancing music dirt hot hot people everywhere – don’t drink all the champagne we’ll need it in the morning for early morning helicopter ride

Where I find myself cramming into Josh Hartnett’s limousine – find the private balcony so we can get out of the crowds dirty drunk tourists to watch above throwing beads and beads and the naked breasts

Where I find myself bowling ordering drinks 6am empty lanes zebra pants green gambling hat fluff fluffy white five dollar slippers sunglasses glued to my head protect layer shield from bright lights and reality I’ve been in Vegas too long

Where I fly in not telling anyone but grandma sweet, hiding in the trunk to scare the shit out of dad, melt the magical chocolates yumm under my tongue and Ralph Steadman signs books watching slides reminiscing of Hunter smoking cigarettes let’s drive - get pulled over I passed all the tests, the 3am policewoman gave me her card

Part two:

Where did this come from?

Obsessions addictions manifestations of pressures and expectations from where?

Society who globalizes…move quickly quicker more people competition!
Parents moving moving! No stability! Houses lacking homes lacking traditions!

Expect more want more! Society pressures! Prodigy children – more quicker faster faster faster!

Change the world! Reduce your impact! Change change change now!
Play concertos age 4! Win the Olympics when you’re 7! Learn a barrage of languages by age 11!

Overbooked overbooked schedules! Be the best now – go! Run from school to sports to music to drivethru - pick up your sister driving driving driving traffic blockage!

Society world society! Globalizing further and further reaching tentacles to envelope every culture with fast-food culture!

Billions of people growing more more more! Be better! Stand out! Make a difference! Now now now is the time! No time to wait.

No boundaries! Any country! The world is your playground. Choices choices choices. Millions of cereals in the cereal aisle.
Mobilize globalize internet internet information access access no excuses

Outshine your parents….make up for their mistakes! Do it right for the – vicarious vicarious – make them feel young.

Free Tibet! Save the Children! Stop world Hunger! Save the Rainforest! Stop AIDs! Save the world! People are starving! Dying!

Society with pressure pressure pressure pound pound pounding through every media!
Stop buying! Stop consuming! No more materialism! Get a job get four. Get skills! Do more
Travel experience grow grow grow up into potential

Connect network remember! Thrive and create! Live to love! Make it interesting! Make it unique or you’ll get lost in the sea of Abercrombie & Fitch

Search for more! Discontent….move! Change!

No tradition or homes anymore. Disconnect! No congruency!
Society judging judging shaping! Defining you!

Society, which I rebel against! Society, which I wallow in – get lost in – get out!!

Part three:

Friends, I am with you on the train, the plane, the bus, the bike - mobilization

I am with you,
Rebelling against the expectations, the structure structure one way of doing things – do it right now!

I am with you,
Feeling the pressures of society invading every inch!

I am with you,
Connecting with peers young and old, addicts of all variety – we have that one thing in common if nothing less less

I am with you,
The adrenaline high – the beauty of it washing over us freely lunging forward into bliss

I am with you,
Where the consequences are blurred away into the future, we live in the now

I am with you,
Distract me distract me from reality, from responsibilities and over overcommitments

I am with you,
Without my drug I am lonely, solo in the saltplains of the Kalahari

I am with you,
Happy in my dependency, but don’t tell anyone – dependency isn’t always bad like depending on your friends, know the high – the consistent result

I am with you,
Let’s seek experience adventure thrills together

I am with you,
Avoidance avoiding avoiders huddle together!

I am with you,
Boredom restlessness like being trapped in a cardboard box with floral wallpaper.

I am with you,
Loving the image, the reaction, the smiles and laughs and disbeliefs

I am with you,
Indulging, all we have is the present, indulge more! Extravagance now!

I am with you,
The thrills! The endorphins!

I am with you,
Swimming in delightful nostalgia of past trips

I am with you,
It’s second nature now third nature

I am with you
Escape the continuity, constants, habitual repetition

I am with you
Escaping the present, getting wrapped up in the high

I am with you
Remembering or forgetting – emotions galore

I am with you
I love the attention, the culture community they love me

I am with you,
I love the connection through mutual addiction

I am with you!

The point of the virtual world....

2008-01-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

should only be to enhance our real world experience!

Yet instead, we spend hours and hours as if staring at screen is living, interacting, being in the moment - and end in itself.

It should only be a means to make connections, conduct research, plans, organize, for real world experience. There's nothing human about

I can feel my hands drained of energy through electronic contact - feel them hurting, static, burning, my head getting fuzzy, my energy gone.

The point should be to spend the LEAST amount of time interacting with electronics, and the MOST time interacting with yourself, other humans and animals, nature!

One of my new New Years Resolutions will be WAY more efficient on the computer, so as the spend a high percentage of my time NOT using it. Use it soley and efficiently for work, some organizing, tracking, writing.

It's a modern addiction - just like a drug addiction, emotional addictions, food addictions.... and might be MORE harmful than any of them - an addiction to living a lifeless life.

Always excuse to not be yourself

2008-01-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

And they are all based on fear.

I was meditating with my (our) cat sitting in front of me doing the same, and wondering about my different levels of being my crazy funny weird self in front of people - imagining how its quite energy wasteful to have to work towards that comfortability with everyone. And that I might not get there with everyone because they might have their own issues going on and not be able to show consistent replies - thus enabling me to create a fear of their response.

Hmmmm, what a silly cycle. Perhaps I could stop it right here and now by changing my REACTION to their response. Being who I am for ME, not for anyone else's response.
Then, I would never have to fear their reaction, worry about getting to a comfortable stage - and it would sure weed through people who won't like the crazy comfortable me more quickly.

That's the trick to figure out now of course. Has to do with self-love and self-confidence - that no matter what I do I will react positively and lovingly towards myself no matter their reaction or other external factors.

What's personal? Anything?

2008-01-15T12:40:00.000-08:00

While reading "The Four Agreements: Chapter 3: Don't Take Anything Personally" it was hard for me to reconcile a broken heart with the words I was reading.
So if it's not personal that someone choses someone else over you - then I guess it must have something to do with the person who is choosing?
Perhaps your heart isn't being broken, but you are sad for the lost potential - when you have the choice to be happy that something happened and positive about what the future holds because you are confident and wonderful within yourself.
In my case, it's not as much as a broken heart, but a sadness that another will receive the treatment and attention that I yearned for and know I deserve and was trying to give. Thus it's time or overdue to reach out to find what I'm looking for elsewhere - that I shouldn't be upset that another person recognizes they are unable to be in the sort of relationship/connection that I'm looking for (maybe they are even sad about that) - but I should be happy that they recognized it and were able to move the energy forward towards us both finding healthier and more positive connections.

What about rejection? Is that personal? Hard to see how it couldn't be. Yet, I do firmly believe that nothing is personal. So then perhaps it is the other person's lack of recognition of how great you are - or their recognition of the fact that you wouldn't relate as well as you think - or it's timing - or it's their realization that for them, the situation isn't as ideal or wonderful as you think it is for you. That you may get a lot from it, but they aren't experiencing the same.

Another aspect is that you might think you are feeling rejection - when it might have nothing to do with the situation - but with past associations, or perhaps you're feeling afraid, you're feeling lost, maybe you don't even want to be with that person - you just want to be with someone. Maybe you're worried that despite there being 6 billion people out there, that you won't find another person to relate to.

In the end, I firmly do believe what I read, that nothing is personal. And when anything feels personal, I will be confident that I will be able to look at it from a new perspective or light that will enable me to understand how I am wrong - and how I can take the negativity created - and transform it into positivity.

The right path... the right moment....

2008-01-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

Blessed are the moments when you are gently reminded that you are on the right path, whether for that moment, or that second when you are yet again made aware of a recurrent theme - something that gently pops up in various situations over time. When you are ready to listen, you are ready and will pursue with some energy to find out what is lurking behind your feelings and intuitions - new paths, doors, and opportunities.

What a joy.

This evening I went to the Austin Energy Healer meetup group, where we learned about Eric Pearl's Reconnective healing. From my understanding - the energy work reconnects your own energetic body's meridians and grids with that of the earths. Yummm

We also spoke about people who have "problems" with electronics.... lights going off around them, or watches stopping, etc. Scientists have found that those people have been in contact with gamma rays which are only naturally found in outer space.

A recurrent them, coming up briefly mentioned over the past couple of years is the lost Keys of Enoch - a book from the bible that was taken out when, whoever it was, took out anything related to mysticism or quantum physics.

I shall get my hands on it!

An energy healer, able to feel that the growths I was talking about were on the inside of my feet near the ball of my feet, explained how it makes sense they would be there based on my explanation of a lack of ability to release my energy downwards to Gaia - reconnect and ground and center. Sometimes my feet are 4 times their size energetically - and the other day it was moving up my leg more than ever. This seems to be one of the most important things for me to work on right now - releasing back into Gaia, so that the growths on my feet - fibrotic that is - don't become permanent.

He attributed this to a mistrust that I have with Gaia - whether from this life or a past life - and I am ready to explore that and reconnect.

I was relieved to be surrounded by a community of people who, as myself i know is true, aren't interested in pharmaceuticals or surgery - but know that as everything is connected physically and energetically and emotionally - that there are always alternatives to try first. Especially regarding medication! It's the classic problem.... solving a symptom of a problem without addressing the problem itself.

The answer is always within - and within is no different than without, we just choose to differentiate with a "self." Thus if you are truly looking within and trusting yourself, the universe will reply when you are ready to recognize its response.

If we don't trust ourselves - what can we trust?

The profit flaw

2008-01-06T11:44:00.001-08:00

inherently within the idea of profit is inequality... that one person can give their energy.... and receive less back in exchange for it... thus the surplus is given to someone else - they are thus receiving more energy than they are giving.... thus perpetuating their power to do so.

I am not saying that those with great ideas or specials skills shouldn't be compensated....hmmm I'll have to think more on this one.

My energetic over-sensitivity

2008-01-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

I was a bit bemused and intrigued yesterday by my own sensitivities..

I grew up without television and can't ever remember living somewhere with one (besides New Orleans) that was ever turned on except for movies.
I am already an intensely sensitive person, emotionally and energetically, and combining that with a lack of experience with visual TV stimulation, has the result that I have a whole-body reaction to whatever I am receiving.

I turned on a show yesterday on Indigo Children on A & E - interesting show, with some new information, but mostly old. Regardless, it's definitely worth looking up. The focused a bit on the extreme examples, and could have put in more information regarding the over-diagnosis of indigo children with ADD and bipolar and behavioral issues - thus leading to medication which numbs them of their abilities.

After, I tried to find ABC to watch parts of the political debate.
Flipping through the channels, I would stop when I would see an actor/actress i like (Sandra bullock), or parts of a movie I like....

Each time, something would come up to which my reaction was crying - tears streaming down my face. Not crying from sadness - but a release of emotional energy.
I cried during Mrs. Doubtfire.... I cried during Stuart Little and during What Women Want.

I think I will conduct an experiment - watch bits of movies on TV like I did - and write down what emotions or situations make me cry.
Perhaps it will then help me understand myself a bit better - where my sensitivities are!

OCCUPATION-what do you occupy yourself with?

2008-01-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I come across words and realize that I now more fully understand their meaning.... it often makes me feel quite silly, but it's fun.
Like enlighten.... to add light to.
Compost.... comes from decompose...

And more recently that the word Occupation.... comes from to occupy yourself with.

So what is your occupation? What do you occupy yourself with?

That completely turns me off from having an Occupation at all. I don't want to OCCUPY my time with something....

Rather I would prefer to Enjoy my time or perhaps Give my energy to something, regardless of time. Take time out of the equation, and Give and Receive energy.

Or better yet...create an energetic symbiotic relationship with people and activities and places.

If anyone asks me what my occupation is, I will reply that I don't Occupy myself with something - which seems to mean that you distract yourself from doing something else.

Better to have loved....

2008-01-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

and lost than to never have loved at all.

I would like to revise that:
Better to have loved and learned than never to have loved at all.

Or maybe just better to have loved! How can loving be losing?

If you lose that love in the present, you have not lost it in the past, it is forever yours. If you love yourself, then you never lose love in the present. If you are open, and unexpecting, you will find external love again. Take the moment to breathe and love yourself - focus inwards.
You will never "lose" love - it is within you.

My stomach talks to me....

2007-12-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

About 2 years ago I started having stomach problems - just a sort of discomfort.. sometimes more extreme.
I stopped eating dairy for a month... no change.... I stopped eating wheat, nuts, corn, soy, dairy, eggs, and less sugar and no change.

When I went to see my chiropractor, she said "read The Power Of Now - if your stomach still hurts, then call me."

My stomach now rarely hurts... and when it does, I can recognize that it is a physical manifestation of my lack of emotional and intellectual processing. If I write, meditate, massage my feet, it will go away.

Certain foods do aggravate it - but for the most part it has to do with literally not digesting things happening in my life.

Blood infection turned staph..... brazil's flight crisis

2007-07-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile, so I have got a bit of catch up to do !
My apologies for this being selfishly lengthy, but I am eager to express, reflect, document, and share. Fortunately gmail has auto-spell check, as I gave up using apostrophes quite quickly as I just haven't got gotten used to the keyboard here so that I might as speedily catch my thoughts.

Sunday, we slept and slept after a night of sharing music tastes via youtube.com music videos. Then off to the TV Tower in the middle strip of the city which looks like an airplane from above.The TV Tower stands tall in the cockpit of the airplane, with the two government towers in the rear end and the streets griding out as wings. This city was designed, 40 years ago, from the ground up as I have gathered, right down to the buildings.
We are staying in SuperQuadra 209 North, Bloco I, apt 410.
The avenues and boulevards are named W2 and L2, and the buses all run back to the main bus terminal. If you are lucky, a car will stop at the bus stop on its way to the station and give you a ride... There was never enough room for the three of us, so we jealously watched others hop into the many stopping cars. The buses were fine of course, and actually almost every bus I have been in here in Brazil has been nicer than any bus I have ridden in the US - especially distance traveling!

Back to this strange city....The buildings are capped at a certain height, which helps with ventilation, I learned this evening, and the green spaces, help it not be so incredibly stifling hot. They are refreshing and relaxing, though they don't waste water keeping them green during dry season. Fortunately.
We tried again to go to the top of the TV Tower to see the view of the sunset, but the line was appallingly long and we had better things to do. Instead, we took the bus until we saw a Carrefour (grocery store I first encountered in Paris) and bought bread and cheese and wine and went to the movies! I was delighted when, instead of commercials, they showed the news highlights from the day! Refreshing!

The next day was a mini crisis day - family, work, and love - all entwined with 21st century technology - webcamming, skype conferencing, instant messaging, sms-ing thru skype, and more. What a world we live in and how it has changed!
My little sister, still in the slums of Sao Paulo on Monday, had called, a bit frantic and upset, saying she might have a blood infection. Then we couldn't get in touch with her after that phonecall.
As blood infections are quite serious, us concerned family members, without much knowledge of her actual condition, were discussing what we ought to do, Toby via instant messenger, Craig via skype-cell, etc....
I was a bit frantic trying to figure out whether I should go to Sao Paulo without having spoken with her on a flight leaving in an hour, to make sure she went to the hospital, knowing she thought she didn't have insurance to cover it. I wasn't quite trusting the poor peoples clinic she had gone to - should I bring her to Brasilia or go to Sao Paulo or get her back to the US even?

Less drama, less trauma - the calmer I could be the better, which I knew and was working on, but wasn't quite as successful as I wish, partially due to a bit of history with death in the late summer, due to lack of good medical care and other reasons.

Also, I don't know much about healthcare here in Brazil, except for free vaccines. Had she gotten online 15 mins later I would have been on my way to the airport to go back to Sao Paulo. A bus ride would take 15 hours. Instead, I ended up buying her a ticket to come to Brasilia the next day, as Sao Paulo is cold and wet, and the slums is no place to get healthy. Brasilia is a great place to get better ...hot and dry and relaxing.

Her flight was Tuesday afternoon, which turned out to be the worst travel day in the history of Brazil. We spent all day preparing for her arrival, looking for an english-speaking doctor, sanitary hotel, etc and wondering if her flight would actually arrive after many reports of the airport being closed and Brazilian authorities refusing outside help with their negligence in regards to international safety regulations.
It was a strange place to be in - some sort of urgency limbo.... feeling very urgent about her potential sickness, but having to wait to do anything, and not knowing the actual condition or even knowledge to really know how to react.
The airline didn't have much information to offer each time I called, and when we arrived at the airport, all flights were supposedly canceled and they couldn't tell me what was going to happen. In fact 70% of flights that day were delayed or canceled in Brazil, and we were hearing reports of rioting at the airport where she was. A bit disconcerting to say the least, to think of her with wounds and a fever, stuck in a riot with little chance of getting out of Sao Paulo.
I was wondering then what my options were, as transportation looked grim with buses overbooked, articles about people waiting a week to get home, etc. Also wondering how this flight crisis might affect getting back to the US in a week or so, depending on the political unrest with the international tensions rising.
The plane crash, killing almost 200, had occurred exactly one week before, and on top of that, during only mild weather, the roof of an area of the airport had blown off and mudslides were blocking runways.

There were only 3 flights that arrived that day into Brasilia, and one from Sao Paulo. Livs was lucky and was on it! She had been transferred to the international airport and was on the only airline who hadn't just canceled everything. Apparently a woman had attacked an airport employee and there were many riots crowds confusion wetness mud.

Waiting at the gate was nerve-racking and emotional, and a bit chaotic. No one was standing behind the red bars, but were right up against the doors, and cheering for every passenger coming through! It wouldn't have been allowed in the US - everyone pushing their way through the crowds to get out of baggage claim and people running into the secure area. The cheering was fun and light, but I was overwhelmed with relief and worry and hardly able to jump around.

The scene reminded me of the disorganization in relation to buses and lines.... Welton, my couchsurfing friend had mentioned this - a bit of common disregard for guidelines and regulations.. they are quite creative and fun people instead, and not time-bound.
I noticed that in buses, the same courtesy in the US where you let the people sitting in front of you on the bus get off first, in an orderly fashion, doesn't seem to exist. You just go and if they aren't rude enough to but-in, they have to wait. The same with lines.... constant cutting with friends, etc.

The point, however, wasn't to get her to me, but to get her some medical care - so after checking into the hotel, I suggested we just go to a hospital emergency room despite the late hour, banking on our family's conviction that we wouldn't have to pay up front.
The city is organized in areas.... all of the hotels are right next to each other, and all of the hospitals are together also. We picked Santa Luzia, which had a promising response to the english-speaking question. I needed some extra cash, but the cabbie informed us that the only 24 hour atm was at the airport 30 mins away! They wouldn't take her insurance... cab ride to the next as she wasn't in shape to walk... they won't either, despite them all being on the list of hospitals I had requested from the Insurance company. The third wouldn't either, so we sat singing to my ipod shuffle on the sidewalk at 1am until the taxi came to take us back to our hotel. This whole experience, increasing my already heightened and intense frustration and disbelief at healthcare systems - that someone needing urgent medical care can't get it!

At a hotel for the first time on this trip... guaranteed hot shower! Wonderful.

The hotel had promised internet access in the business center, but the computer was broken, so, with little energy to find alternatives I called internationally from the hotel phone - turns out we have to be reimbursed by her insurance company instead - hope they take creditcards.

I was appalled by the emergency rooms, but aware of the affect of my cultural perception. Olivia, having been here for 10 months, wasn't phased by the lack of professionalism, interest, cleanliness (to my standards), and I was wondering how to be more culturally open while ensuring proper care.

I awoke first to a manager kindly requesting we remove the towels we had laid out on the balcony and then to a $R 233 phonebill for my 23 minutes total on the phone sorting things out. I mostly calmly explained that I needed to speak with Renato, who had booked us in, in english, the night before. I explained to him that he had promised internet and, as I was unable to use it to make my international phonecalls based on their broken keyboard, I had no choice but to use the hotel phone and thus refused to pay the USD $150 phonebill. It was hard keeping the frustrated angered face knowing I would pay the money if I had to. They asked me how much I could pay after consulting various authorities, and I said I would pay for the room only. Then they had me calculate how much it would have cost to make the call via Skype... and, with paying for an hour of internet, I calculated about $R 5.986. They took the whole $R233 off of my bill!.. I tried not to smile walking towards the mirror-walled elevator.

I was wary of taking her back to sit in the waiting rooms, so I found a list of providers through the US Embassy and called the Internal Medicine doctor who was kind, and spoke English and made an appointment for that afternoon. Yet again wondering if I was waiting too long, or over-reacting. She seemed to be doing alright, though very rundown in many ways including a deep chest cough, fatigue, feverish, etc and of course the gaping bloody-pussed filled holes in her left foot - until about an hour before our appointment when she got a bit out of sorts and weak.
We waited in the mini receiving area, giggling and singing various ridiculous songs, and wondering how bored the receptionist is at her table cluttered by about 5 pieces of paper she kept arranging and writing on.
Dr Oliveira was very nice, asking a lot of questions in his big darkwooded desk with the wall behind him bespeckled with awards and degree plaquard. $R250 Cash. We laughed after our immediate surprise when he walked around the table to reach under her shirt and pulled out the thermometer and then whistled ourselves out the door (I am learning!).
We were sent to walk to find the Lab Exame.. and found that, despite everything being in the same area, literally with nothing else but medical care facilities, there was no signage. We found it eventually, and in it, a young labist who took down our information, and another labist, woman very evidently on cocaine looked over his shoulder. I was surprised that they gave me a card after paying the $R 175 that instructed me to see the results online. They literally used a big Q-Tip to get the culture - I don't even want to think about it!

The next morning I called the doctor who said it's staphylococcus - some sort of staph infection, and switched her antibiotics and cream. What a relief! Staph infections, though somewhat dangerous in unsanitary cold, damp conditions with weak immune systems, etc are hardly a big deal whatsoever and though she hadn't been getting better but worse for 5 days, she would quite quickly.
We switched hotels, and weren't yelled at for putting my laundry on the balcony, though I did lose a tanktop. They all spoke english in the very empty lobby and I could feel their curious eyes on me as I walked through each time... who's the young white girl by herself?

The new meds seem to have helped tremendously so far, and her slow healing was mostly due to her mis-diagnosis in Sao Paulo. Only 11 pills to go and she should be all set! A bit of a scare for nought, though there are med-resistant kinds of staph infections you can get in hospitals.

Next time you are in Brasilia, go to the top floor of the Mercure hotel, and enjoy the outdoor rooftop swimming pool and view! They wont check to see if you're a guest - promise.

Having spent more than enough money on sanitary conditions etc, we tried a family friend contact from Portland, Oregon and 2 hours later were being picked up from the hotel by a PHD trombonist and his Nature Conservancy working daughter and driving to the countryside to a marvelous house.... actually there were three houses and a swimming pool inside a locked gate. I had learned by this time, that you don't take off your shoes when you get to someone else's house.. that's actually a bit unsanitary and strange in peoples opinions. In Belo Horizonte they were teasing me for having taken off my shoes... I wonder if that custom and tradition of politeness occurs in countries based on the countries intensity of personal hygiene issues.

We had a wonderful light dinner, bread cheese fruit and coffee, and spoke to the couple and one of their granddaughters about traveling, trains, languages, different cultures and much more. It was delightful!
They warned us that once they went to bed and put on the alarm, we couldn't leave our rooms - a bit strange. So we lay there doing leg stretches above our heads with our restless bodies and experimenting with Tigerbalm, somehow managing to get some in our eyes and warming our tummies. I want to put tigerbalm in bodypaint - what a rush.

Our mid-day discussion with the mom today gave me a newfound respect for Olivia teaching violin in the favelas as I was made aware of the fact that they don't use ABCDEFG, but do re mi...etc. So not only a different language, but a different music theory framework.
At lunch we discussed many things - one being why Americans are so fat and I explained briefly that one reason, is that it is cheaper to eat unhealthy foods while in most other countries, its cheapest to healthy and its a luxury to eat otherwise.

We decided to make it to a conference and get back to my couchsurfing friends place in the city - it was just a bit remote out there though quite beautiful. Our hosts were quite surprised and concerned - wondering who we would stay with - a friend of a friend was my reply, aware it wasnt the right time to explain couchsurfing.. they were disappointed as they were planning evening activities without letting on. But we had to move on.

Next stop... a 5 hour drive to Uberlandia to meet some farmers who live outside of the city! What an adventure this will be.

And then some interviews in Brasilia, and back to the US. I know I will come back to Brazil, and during a time when I don't have internet research I have to do everyday which keeps me from gallivanting around playfully as I normally do travelling.

If you got this far - congratulations!
Hope all's well with everyone
Much love
Emma

free vaccines.... hiking in the mtns... penis/bread

2007-07-28T01:59:00.000-07:00

I am still in Belo Horizonte, or was when I started this email at least - surprisingly enough. I didn't expect to stay here so long, but time is quite strange here.4 days of my 5 weeks ....random?
Its not a touristy town at all, in fact, the walk Roman and I took around the artificial lake, is really the only thing to see. The city was designed actually, by a fairly famous architect, the streets running one way being the states in the Brazil, and the other way being the indigenous tribes (mostly wiped out).

We are the first couchsurfers, apparently, who have come here. Everyone else just passes through... so we were quite welcomed by the community here! We have been staying with the same couchsurfer and her family, who is letting me use the internet, wash my clothes, cooking us vegetarian snacks, and helped me figure out where to get my yellow fever vaccine!

I got two shots yesterday, the most vaccines I can remember getting really except when I went to Africa. I barely have any of the normal shots you get. I got the rubella shot, which means I am not supposed to get pregnant for 4 months. I think I can handle that.The shots were free.,... absolutely, for anyone who walks in and it was such a pleasant medical experience - probably nicer than almost every other one I have had. She was so nice..!
I agree with Romans comment after, that we have been mothered a lot in Belo Horizonte, which we both needed a bit of after all of our intense travels recently. Sleeping in, etc.

One evening we were supposed to meetup with a couchsurfer named Raquel - who wanted to take us out. She gave us instructions to her place as we were already downtown, and we arrived at quite the swanky apt building, probably one of the nicer ones I have been in! Her dad opened the door, with shirt open, apologizing as hed just gotten home from work and proceeded to lay out all sorts of bread, cheese, fruit, cake, and tea for us for dinnner!
Raquel recently was in Germany, and works in risk-management at a bank and is hoping to study economics abroad!

We went out to a nice bar, with a $5 covercharge - she said my chacos and skirt-tanktop were ok, because we were already obviously gringos... Gringos is descriptive, not derogatory in Brazil and theres nothing wrong with being American.
I think if I had dressed in tight jeans and little high heels, etc. people would have thought I were Brazilian as we could have easily been in Europe... Everyone was very white!
Race, the 49 colors of it according to Lonely Planet, is relatively linked to class here. She said that her friend who also works at the bank, is discriminated against and another couchsurfer Valeria, who lived in Park City Utah for 4 months said she was quite surprised when she was considered colored in the US as she is considered white in Brazil.

Couchsurfer Sidney and his fiancee (english teacher) meet us at the bar and were very friendly and patient as I insisted on trying to speak Portuguese. I later received a thank you-goodbye email from him saying that I changed his view of Americans - that he didn't know Americans were so nice! Yay! Though it is sad that his stereotype was so easily influenced, at least it was positively influenced... had I known he had such bad images of Americans I would have made more of an effort to paint a somewhat realistic US situation, but we can keep in touch.

There were a couple of guys hanging around Raquel's moms very expensive car and Raquel seemed a bit worried and annoyed. She gave one of them 50 centavos and then explained that she hates this. Its guys who are often unemployed, and they "watch" your car for you when you are doing something like going out to see a show, shopping, etc. They sometimes demand money upfront and other times when you get back. This time, he wasnt there when we parked, just asked for money when we got back.
Raquel says she dislikes it because its a kind of violence and intimidation... you dont know what they might do to your car if you dont give them money and you cant really tell them no.

We slept and slept - can't quite decide whether it was oversleeping making me tired, or me catching up on my sleep slowly. Either way, no alarm clock rudely interrupting my dreams has been nice and I have most mornings awoken with the sun, though promptly and peacefully gone back to the dreamworld for a bit.
Then we got in touch with Valeria, who had offered to take us to the mountains.
We met up with her in the Centro and took a quick taxi ride up towards the surrounding mountains. Belo Horizonte is an incredibly hilly city itself, encircled by mountains that stretch to the horizon.
I dressed conspicuous, in a conductor hat so shed find us easily, and black and white and blue - quite self-entertaining. The dirt was red and orange with iron and other melange of minerals found in the area. It was a simple 2 hour total hike, but surprised Valeria that we were so eager to get into the mountains...Roman missing the Himalayas and me missing the Rockies. We had a breathtaking view once we got up a bit, increasingly so, of the 4-6 million person city stretching out in front of us.
Valeria said that despite the grandiosity of the area and population, that it felt like a small city, that you meetup with the same people, and it has quite a small feeling - that people live small - like its a bunch of small towns side by side.
She is ready for the big city of Sao Paulo, boasting at least 12 million.
Roman and I found Belo Horizonte quite peaceful, however, refreshing after the insanity of the favelas.

Valeria, very surprised, asked Roman and I, why on earth out of all of the places in Brazil we had chosen to spend time in the favelas - that we were the third foreigners she had met who had chosen to do so and she didn't understand why. I also met, via some searches online (Lonely Planet Thorn Tree Forum), a young Danish man who is studying the phenomenon of tourists visiting the favelas. I am undecided, as there are pros and cons... it is important that people understand whats really going on in different parts of the world - but the lives of people should not be a tourist attraction at the same time. It depends upon the motives of the tourists I think - whether its for entertainment, or for understanding which they can use to help through various means.

We decided on trying the local food that night - which meant that I tried a taste of some local meat, along with 3 different deserts, a lot of garlic bread and garlic rice,...
Whats the opposite of commiserate? Because thats what Valeria and I were doing regarding our couchsurfing experiences, and the community in general.
Then we got onto the subject, of the fact that if you mispronounce the word for bread, it means a slang word for penis - that was good for a couple of laughs as Roman shared the multiple times and various situations wherein the german volunteers kept trying to pronounce it right...

As everywhere else in Brazil so far - it costs $1 to ride, there's no bus schedule, the buses are nicer than any greyhound bus I have seen - quite a bit better actually! And, there are two employees per bus - one driver, and one that takes the money. Is that more efficient? My first reaction was that it's not an efficient use of their money - but it might be, when considering safety, faster loading-unloading, etc. Also - with unemployment so high, the cost might not be as much as I imagined to add another employee. They have been quite useful so far with directions!

Walking around the lake the first night, I realized that Palm Trees, the very existence of them in my immediate surroundings, make me happy - a sign of relaxation, vacation - along with white birds being beautiful and symbolic. Of course, these perceptions are very much affected by my upbringing and culture. It's just another reminder that my truths are my truths alone.

Couchsurfing - can help bridge the gap between living in a city you are visiting, and visiting/seeing a city you are in. The difference between living your lifestyle and seeing touristy sights and living the local lifestyle and enjoying the city.

Were I in control, no one would receive a degree in international development without having lived for at least 3 months or more working for a development project in some capacity! My observations made me wonder whether my sister, after a year of working as a volunteer in a development organization in various capacities, knows more about development than I do - or more, what has she learned that would complement my knowledge and vice versa.

I have been excited to see the technology leap that has, according to my meager experience, occurred here, at least in terms of the energy efficiency of the showers. They are using, in the favelas and middleclass neighborhoods, one of the most efficient ways of creating hotwater if you are unable to use renewable resources to do so, which is heating the water right when you need it rather than keeping large quantities of water hot 24/7.

Now we are in Brasilia - arrived this morning on a very bumpity rockety 11 hour bus ride which affected my dreams in strange ways. Its a desert-flat area, and the most spread out city I have seen in Brazil. The weather is marvelous so far, and the city is quite strangely organized. We are staying in Quadra 209, Block i, apt 410. Everything is organized by numbers, laid out in the shape of an airplane. There are two people responsible for the city's design, one who designed the layout, another the buildings, and apparently they get blamed for everything.

Every night I have been looking at the moon and its been kind of refreshing to have that consistency and watch it change - it might be helping me understand the passage of time as I see the moon wax from a Cheshire cat grin to a large, hmm, elegant banana I guess might be the best description.

The couchsurfer we are staying with now couldn't have been a better match in terms of my research here - he is studying international relations and has many government, environmental, and academic contacts. He is presenting at an intl relations conference this week, on the structural relationship between the NGOs working to combat desertification in the North East of Brazil. He also wants to travel around different cities in Latin America learning best practices that he can bring back to Brazil to try as pilot programs. I am excited to explore what options are available, and to build contacts in case I am successful in my application to be the next United Nations Youth Caucus Coordinator.

It was his birthday today - and I pleasantly impressed myself with my portuguese skills as I was able to have such conversations as whether Brazil is considered Western (to which I inquired what their definition of western was), and the positive and negative aspects of virtual world technology among other things.

Thats it for now! I know - quite a mouthful - but I cant leave anything out - it just builds up as little curiosities..... more to come :-)
Love and more love!
Emma

Rubella? motels lobby churches? toiletpaper allowed?

2007-07-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

My sister asked me whether I had heard about motels in Brazil.... which, having heard little of Brazil, I hadnt and she explained that the favela is mostly evangelist and catholic/christian and that you are not allowed to have sex in your home.
The apparent loophole, that everyone uses, is motels. You are somehow allowed to have sex in motels instead, but no birth control of course. So are the motels lobbying the church? Or maybe the churches own the motels... don't take me seriously please.
She said that most families have 7-15 children in the favelas (all with lice of course, which I have so far successfully avoided). All of the volunteers have had lice.
I am quite wary of lice, because last time I had to cut all my hair!

I did, however, for a couple of days, think that I had Rubella. No, I dont think I got the vaccine for it, and the woman Lindalva, who works at the organization said the bodyrash I had, and warm cheeks, seemed like Rubella to her.
She said its not a big deal, I am just now allowed to go anywhere for 8 days because I would either kill or cause complications
with any unborn babies... and there are a lot of pregnant woman - everywhere!
After some research, and the fading rash, I decided that due to an incubation period of 14-21 days, Its not likely I have rubella... Unless I got it in Austin. Hmmm Texas
but if I do - be careful if i have kissed you and dont go around killing babies.

So, at one point, I had a fullbody rubella rash (supposed), my eyes hurting, a hopefully not infected cut on my finger, swollen hands and feet, and sore limbs, surrounded by lice-infested volunteers. Wheres the spa? I am only kidding - it has been great and minor in comparison to the sicknesses, horrible ones, that my sister has complained/explained of every time I have spoken with her in the last 10 months. Makes me feel alive.

Feeling alive is a bit from a conversation I had with an english volunteer in that the people in the favelas are really living.. despite lack of resources. And its so sad that those with so many resources dont seem to do the same! Here there is community, and dancing, and art, and so much more - people are alive!

So what have I done in the last 3 days?
Well, I ate pancakes on Saturday, had falafels on Sunday, and had cabbage-meat on Monday.
Literally, besides a bit of internet to plan my next travels and research, the one meal has taken up all day. Time works quite differently here, preparing for, hanging out, and cleaning up after and planning etc, has been done quite leisurely with large groups of people.

I was quite happy about the meals these past three days, as my sister doesnt really eat, and spending time with her I was often hungry and in search of food. If it wasnt on the agenda, then we could snack on the volunteer food... which left me one night making beans/rice/carrots/garlic/

bellpeppers.

I have eaten meat at two meals now, as I wont refuse what a Brazilian family has kindly and generously prepared for me. Who knows whether the protein will be good for me, or it wont be good for my body to add additional new things it hasnt seen in a decade to an already confused system.

I have now arrived in Belo Horizonte, sitting at the computer desk of the room that my new
friend Roman and I are sharing as we couchsurf with a brazilian family, in particular, a girl from here, Olivia,
who just got back from being an au pair in Germany and is studying history at the University here.

Universities here are free, though there are some private universities that aren't very good. Olivia told us that it doesnt
help very much to have a degree to get a job - its contacts that really count. Theres also a debate here right now as to
the value of studying history - whether we can learn from it, or not.

I asked her to confirm that I could actually flush the toilet paper down the toilet, as my sister had told me yesterday that everywhere in Brazil you cant do that! Theres also a washing machine and internet - what a luxurious place for us to stay right now.
Her mom, aunt, and brother are very welcoming and we are going to meetup with 3 other couchsurfers tonight who I contacted, to see one of their friends play at a bar.

Once I decided to leave the favelas, partially from restlessness, and partially because I wasnt feeling so well, I realized that two of the volunteers, Roman, and Maria were also leaving yesterday so we are now travelling together. I am not used to travelling with other people, but they both speak portuguese, are spontaneous and flexible and a lot of fun. Roman is from Nepal and speaks 7 languages or so and Maria is from Norway. Roman is going to Amherst in the fall! Small world.

Its winter here in Brazil of course, and in the south its quite cold... so far ive been bundled up - with scarf and jacket and tennis shoes at the least - and its been constantly raining.
Fortunately we are on our way up north and today it is sunny! I am now in a tanktop and skirt and sandals and thinking about sunscreen - I am so looking forward to the beaches we will find a bit further north!
First, though we will go to uberlandia where I will stay for a couple of days or more, doing reserch on a development project there and visiting an ecovillage.

I have contacted all of the ecovillages in Brazil in the hopes of visiting and documenting my visit and disseminating the information through mass media websites as the beginning of a world-wide project that I want to start, bringing the lessons learned and innovative ideas and lifestyles from ecovillages to the mainstream. This is only just a chance for me to get an idea of how to go about it, and in the future, I will partner with organizations, have more structure and sponsorship... but the best way to learn is to just try it out for now!
I have been invited to go to the ecovillge in the northwest amazon, but it will take a long time and cost a lot - so I dont know that I should do that unless I want to change my flight back home. I will go visit one in uberlandia, which is about 6 people...lots of mosquitoes and I need to bring a sleeping bag for the floor. We shall see!

Whenever I am around those whose first language isnt english, my english devolves... I make all sorts of mistakes, which doesnt help them learn, and only entertains me. I'll see what I can do about that... lack of fluidity in my sentences and thoughts even as I start to mix spanish, portuguese, french, and german with my english.

Last nights 9 hour bus ride is the first time in a longtime that I havent been able to sleep on a bus for the first couple of hours... so many thoughts running through my head!

I started to think again, Sunday. Noticable" I was no longer exhausted by speaking multiple languages, the food, culture shock, and the health tolls - and I started talking and feeling a better version of myself. It was refreshing and now I am on a roll again... creatively travelling and learning and exploring, proactively!

Also, traveling is getting my creative juices going once more on the positive-impact travel site I have wanted to create for awhile. Dont steal my idea, because I am going to do it :-)

love

Rashes in the jungle...

2007-07-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

On my second day in Brazil, my sister took me to Pequeno Principe, or, The Little Prince. It's a community in the forest, which has a kindergarten, kitchen, workshops, garden, many buildings, and german volunteers.
OH, and one swiss volunteer who I went to school with 10 years ago ! we are still friends with the same people though we dont remember each other being in different grades.
It~s like a mini paradise... with banana trees and many plants I've never seen before.
We took the bus with a group of children from the favela where my sister lives, who were getting a once in a lifetime chance to go to this paradise community for 3 days.
It was a strange feeling that I can go there after one day, and they have waited for years for this opportunity.

Schools in the favelas have three different sessions, morning, afternoon, and evening, because all of the children work. The organization that my sister works for, has many kindergartens and art workshops, thus theres quite a waiting line. Around 50% or so of the children are children of the workers of the organization.

Yesterday, Livy was surprised by the amount of light in the favela near the organizations center.. overnight there was a new lightpost which actually worked, bathing the children playing soccer, in light despite the late hour.

Back in the forest.... there's a volunteer house, more like a magical cabin, with a pond in front, and two adorable kittens running around. There are only male volunteers here, all very friendly and fun, and we speak a mixture of portuguese, german, and english. And sometimes swiss-german.

My portuguese is getting alot better, at least I think it is, though understanding native portuguese speakers is harder than those europeans speaking slowly.

I hadnt eaten much, so when we walked down the forest dirt road, unsafe to females by themselves, but fine with our group of guys, I searched for some vegetarian food at the stores below. Only bready cheesy things if i dont eat meat.
I drank my first Caiparinha, which ive surely misspelled. Its the talk of the country, and of travellers lucky enough to explore Brazil. It was glorious and worth the fame.

The next day, yesterday that is, it was sunny! and hot! All the other days I was quite quite cold here in winter! We laid out near a grove of banana trees, on a yellow fuzzy blanket, hand-in-hand, writing in our respective books. Dreaming of singing happybirthday in portuguese to our mother and enjoying the sunshine. The sunshine put us in a happy daze, which the crunchy apples woke us up from. I definitely got some sun. magical.

We found our friends, who'd been busy at work and were now off to give a workshop on making dreamcatchers. Livy cut her hair and I wandered after our friends, not saying much because of my sleepiness which spawned a bit of confusion when thinking of what language to use. Words coming to me in different languages quicker than words forming one sentence. Fortunately all the volunteers, all 5 or so, speak portuguese, german, and english.... and Manuel some french and of course swiss-german.

At this point I noticed a rash allover my body... little red bumps, bespeckling me like bodyart.

We went into the woods to break off long winding branches, or perhaps vines is the better description. Not too green, and not too dry. My swiss-army knife in my CarHarts came quite in handy once i remembered I brought it with.
We trampled back, my arms full of big rings of these vines. The children from the favela and surrounding community trickled onto the field, about twenty or so, but I have no quantity concept really.

I hadnt made dreamcatchers for many years, so I thought I would just watch. But the children knew better and I was soon in quite the demand, with so many eager quick learning children, and three of us able to show them. My portuguese was quite confusing i'm sure, mixed with spanish and hand gestures.. but the result was beautiful dreamcatchers, a cut on my finger which spurred a much needed conversation regarding vaccines I still need to get, and some happy children.

We took the 1.5 hrs or so bus ride back home, walking down Silva Aurujo street, bustling with people and capitalism, and sang happy birthday in portuguese to Mom through a bad skype connection. We tried.

At around 11pm we went to the community center for theater. It was all in fast portuguese, reminding me that I really dont understand much at all... though Livy confirmed she couldnt either and shes basically fluent. We were warned thered be nudity probably, and yes, one actor was naked, covered barely by a white apron. much passion and from what I could tell, was a social commentary.

Alrighty, enough gas fumes today.
love

24 hours in Brazil - July 12, 2007

2007-07-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

Oi!

So, my first 24 hours... so many thoughts and impressions and ideas, soaking it all in.
I have a long list of things to get done online today, with 2 hours before Livy and I leave for the Pequena anotherwordiforget, which, according to Livy, is a project in the jungle, but we were corrected by a favelan yesterday, that he doesn't even consider it a forest!
It's a civilized nature place apparently. AND I might know someone there from Switzerland who went to the same school as me!
SMALL WORLD!

So, within blocks of where Livy lives, is this gas station, very cheap gas, and this internet cafe - the owner's nephew or son is in France studying and the daughter went recently to visit for a month - I guess opening an internet cafe in the area from 8am - 11pm was a good idea capitalistically speaking.

Pooping - I was advised upon entering my sister's house/apt not to flush the toilet paper or the toilet will explode

My head is a bit congested, probably due to the air pollution, the chainsmoking of the european volunteers....literally constant, and the fact that the little house I am living in has a bit of mold. Ok, not a bit of mold, but 3 years ago had a foot of sewage in it and noone inhabited the place until January. Needless to say, we have to keep the window open at night or it really stinks. And it's normal to have a swollen face in the mornings when you awake from the hard mattresses.

The first food I had was some wholegrain bread and cheese... The cheese was hard to stomach, but I am not going to waste any food,

security - in response to my dads comment that I should be security concious. I am following Olivia's lead and advice on this one. My belongings are safe, and I'm following the instructions that, during the day, if I stick to the couple of places that I know, I will be perfectly fine. Also, I need to keep some cash on me in case I get robbed because they won't believe me if I say I don't have any. After 8pm, however, I must walk around in groups if I go anywhere.
When I go travelling by myself next week, I will find other travelers to join up with for any evening activities, won't have anything but my camera that could be stolen, and will speak anything but english :-)
The only concern she brought up was that there have been shootings recently in the favela, but she says it's all drug-related and non-touristy and at night.

It's cold here! Much colder than the internet weather websites were indicating... however, it was 90 degrees or so according to locals just a couple of days ago. So who knows how it'll shape up.

Even just in the 8 months Livy has been here, there have been changes in the favelas, such as a new law against billboards, and another saying bars have to close at 10pm, along with electricity, meters and poles on most streets. She said that on the other side of the hill in the same favela they steal all the materials and electricity.

The organization she volunteers for has many kindergartens, community centers, artistics workshops, schools, and more, all in the same small area. It feels like a small camphill community plus waldorf school (camphill is a community that takes care of handicapped adults based on Rudolf Steiner's philosophy).

Being surrounded by a new language is always exhausting for a day or two if you are trying to engage and interact with it... I can mostly understand portuguese at this point, but it's a double-whammy because the volunteers all speak to each other in german so I've been speaking more german than portuguese so far!

Everyone I meet, tells us that we don't look like sisters, which we protest, and then asks us which one is older. It's true, I can look quite young, especially with pigtails.

Much more to write, but I've got to spend my internet time wisely and get health insurance, etc.

Much love
Emma

Is electrified lucrativity worth it?

2007-06-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

Reflecting today on the amount of time I spend dealing with my computer and my phone... absurd amounts as many of you know.

I have started to become increasingly sensitive to it - not wanting my phone to touch my ear or other parts of my body (only using my headpiece) and not liking my computer to be on my lap.
But I still spends way too much time using them for logistics, jobs, personal organization, etc. I've created a sort of sick dependency which I perpetuate.

I can feel the computer sucking energy out of me, draining my eyeballs and covering me radiation.

I rarely make lists on paper like I used to, or write people letters, or have an address book or calendar, take notes in notebooks, etc.

Zo recently mentioned that soon we'll have electronic books - the idea seemed unreal, books on a screen just takes away so much from the experience. But who wins at night as work has piled up and online-social networking is back=logged?

Also - hate to admit it, but a lot of my interaction is electronic because I keep moving and travelling and building a global support network rather than local - talking to my sister via videochat while I'm in Vietnam and she's in Brazil.

Hopefully soon there'll be a movement - the disconnected travel movement - which I will join. As of now it really doesn't make much of a difference where you are if you're interacting electronically - you can skype for free, video, calls, etc etc. Takes away some of the fun of "going away."

I have also spent more money on my computer than on any other one thing except for the car (that I totaled in 4 days, making $1200 mind you)

This all perpetuates dependence, and also adds a different kind of risk - rather than losing an addressbook, piece of paper, what if I lost my phone with it's 900 contacts?
(most are backed-up now).

I used to memorize phone numbers, and the only phone numbers I remember now are ones I memorized ten years ago. i don't remember much anymore - it's all backed up on a little external harddrive.

When I didn't have a cell phone (started by sharing one in 2004) and didn't have a laptop (2002), everything was non-virtual, and I didn't work consistent jobs.

Now I've set myself up so that my income is directly related to how much time I spend on the phone or computer - I am waaay too accessible. My lucrativity has become electrified.

But I'll admit, I partially like being accessible - for the late night phonecalls of recipes, or Zero 7 concerts, or ...etc

Yet one of the reasons that I have my job right now is because of that accessibility - my boss needs someone who will always answer their cell phone and always call him when he gets an important email.

So, I'm good at using electronics, good at making money using them, get paid a fair amount to use them, but they suck lifeforce out of me. Interesting trade-off.

So - contemplating disconnection.

Contradictions in Travel: adventure/environment/externalities

2007-06-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

The word I've been searching for has yet to be found, but describes the state of holding 2 or more contradicting thoughts at the same time about a certain thing.

Travel is such an activity/concept for me and has been throughout my life - most recently coming into focus a bit more as I increasingly (yes, due to the fact that I'm in Texas) meet people who haven't left their city.

Side story: When I lived in Arkansas, working at the Heifer World Headquarters, the secretary I became friends with desperately wanted to leave the state but:

She didn't know anyone who was interested in traveling with her
She didn't know anyone outside of the state thus had noone to visit
She didn't think she had enough money saved up
She wasn't quite confident enough to go on a trip by herself

Although my first reaction was "Come visit me!" - I was trying to help her think of other options which wouldn't potentially put her in some danger through travelling with people

Misled in school

2007-06-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

So, after 4 years - or maybe it was three - studying international development and social change, and now starting to become more and more active and ask more and more questions - I keep coming across contradicting examples for certain "theories" i learned.
Unfortunately, I never had examples to begin with, so I can contradict these examples
with case studies showing the otherside.

A recent example...

While in Vietnam, I went to the board dinner of the Asia Pacific Roundtable on Sustainable Consumption and Production - at a nice little vietnamese restaurant where, as I soon realized was usual, the waitresses all wear traditional long robes of beautiful silk, without patterns.
I was intrigued by the fact that when working, everyone wore these elegant traditional garm, but when not working, they wore jeans and high-heels and t-shirts!

So at this dinner I sat next to a very well educated Sri Lankan man who has been working in international development for decades.

I mentioned something regarding the problem with professionals being trained in Sri Lankan Universities and then leaving the country to work elsewhere for better wages and how it's an intellectual drain on the country and benefits "developed" countries. I had learned this in my Tales From The Far Side International Development Class.

ON THE CONTRARY: He said that they want their people to go and work and move abroad because they don't have enough jobs for the people they are training - and if you send them abroad - they will send incredible amounts of money back home!

We had quite insufficiently explored this - and without case studies!

Market Value for Conservation....

2007-05-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that the cheapest energy available at any given time is conservation - in other words, reducing your demand, which after the initial investment means that energy is FREE, energy conservation isn't talked about.

It's not SEXY.

There's hardly a good market for it - because the only thing you can sell is green technologies which, require people to have a budget, and a little bit of initial investment.

How do you create the market for conservation? Get people to start thinking in the right mid-term or long-term framework rather than the immediate.
In the immediate, cents per kilowat hour looks better than $1000 window upgrade - it's the PAYBACK period which people don't understand.

You don't hear people saying "Today I want to go and buy some Conservation of Energy.... so how do we frame it and create the right simple incentives?

1. Perhaps if the investment was over time - a payment plan which was only slightly higher than their normal payment plan. And told them that FOR THE SAME COMFORTS... pay THE SAME COST for 3 years - then the comfort is FREE.

2. Perhaps a very easy to fill-in sheet, which calculates for them based on their situation, what their energy savings will be each year. The first year they will have the initial investment.... The second year they save X.. the third year they save X.. and it can mark when they have saved what they invested...

3. The point needs to be SAVING MONEY - not BEING GREEN. They can feel good about using less energy if they want.... for the environment, their children, national security, their personal security.

4. low-interest loans for energy-saving technology or incentives are most likely the most effective.

So what are the companies who make energy-saving products doing?

we create self-fulfilling phrophecies..

2007-05-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

It is my understanding that the process works thus:

1. We predict what our "demand" will be
2. We build power plants, roads, schools, etc to MEET that demand
3. We thus fulfill the demand - by creating the demand

It seems quite backwards...

for example - on Cape Cod - they have a 10-year projected energy demand... so they are talking about what power plants, wind farms and such, will be needed to MEET that demand.

INSTEAD.....

How about decided what demand you WANT there to be?
Then you can figure out a strategy of how to reduce your energy demand over time.... through conservation measures, which will reduce the cost of the energy because new power plants and new development's WON'T be needed.

So decide that in 5 years, you want Cape Cod to be using X amount of energy....
which means you don't need more powerplants...
which means the energy costs will go up -
which will make conservation more affordable
which will spur energy conservation innovation....

If we keep predicting Unsustainable growth and consumption patterns - we will keep creating them... with a FALSE idea that we are REACTING to society.... though in fact, we are CREATING the demands in the first place through the market.

We could instead, realize we are in the decision-making position, and be PROACTIVE!

The downfalls of professional conferences....

2007-04-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

After years of conferences - attending, helping put them on, and presenting at.... I have yet to be impressed!
Four key downfalls (of env conferences):
1. good information, bad presenting
2. one-way info flow in conference structure
3. professionals representing the stakeholders
4.Conference doesn't walk it's own talk

There is often a myriad of good information, though scattered in focus, but the structure of the conference along with a huge discrepancy in presenting skills enfolds mixed results, often less desirable and quite unfortunate in terms of the amount of energy everyone has put in. Hours and days of planning, researching, honing down on the right slides, and most of it slips away through bad organization and skills.
There should be, as with most things, a certificate for presenting - which you can try out for - in such a way that all presenting skills are honored despite comedic or other styles as long as the information is presented clearly - and if you don't get the certification, classes or workshops are available.
Secondly - the organization of the conference. It baffles me how, with the extent of knowledge in existence, conferences are organized with one-way information flows, which assume there is one positions possible for each person - that of the learner and that of the teacher. This disregards the fact that we can all learn from each other - and that more brains together have more productive results. The structure of the conference does not enable growth, further learning which is fostered by engagement and interaction.
How many people in this world truly learn by being "talked at" ? And how many learn better when there is discussion,..... when there is real-life examples.....
Thirdly - Why do conference have "professionals" who are out of touch with the people they are speaking on behalf of? For example, at the United Nations Commission on Sustainable Development.... we have NGOs representing farmers...... I don't remember there being any farmers..... any workers.... any peasants... any teachers.... - the people we are talking about in the abstract - we don't give them a voice themselves - but we use theories and sometimes real life examples, - the professionals speak for them without EXPERIENCE being them.
Fourthly, at all the environmental conferences, with the small exception of some run by students who are truly trying to be aware, the conference within itself is unsustainable!. At the conference on Sustainable production and consumption for example, in Vietnam, it took place at an expensive 5 star hotel.... with meat, dairy, bottled water, excessive use of paper, lack of recycling facilities, constant lighting, and more! It didn't even take into consideration finding a hotel that was interested in sustainable development, and having the conference there - most liekly for free - in exchange for the knoweldge from all of the professionals - a WORKSHOP by all the conference participants creating a SUSTAINABLE CONSUMPTION AND PRODUCTION PLAN OF ACTION!

why not have a conference of people in countries that are living sustainably? a regional conference... free conference.. They can talk about what they are doing - a community of real representatives not professionals... (We only have cross-shared learning between the rich people).... BOTTOM UP. Do they need us to facilitate ?Should we provide the cost?

A walking dollar abroad....

2007-04-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

I don't want to buy things, in that I don't need things, i prefer experiences. If certain things can enhance my experience then perhaps I might be inclined to, but as experience is within, that would be quite rare.
In general, overconsumption is one of the largest plagues in modern times - a distraction from ourselves, our connectedness, along with a misuse of our spent energy (often doing something we don't like) - while depleting the earth's resources and often through unequal strategies and practices.

My Chilean friend, whom I met wandering around Vietnam by myself and looking at various intrigues along the streets.... a fellow young traveler, gorgeous, open-minded, and exciting. He said we should spend money here because the people are so poor.

In many senses, I agree - as it is a redistribution of the wealth - they work harder and for less, and we reap the benefits in our world, as the exploitation often returns back to the power source whether through governments or corporations or the IMF. I don't mean we reap the benefits only in that we get to buy some cheap things abroad.

Is it thus my duty and responsibility as a being in this world who's position automatically enables me to so easily reap the energy of those in different positions... born or granted?
Perhaps instead, I can focus my energy dual-fold - giving back, but not through the purchase and consumption of said goods which burden me with "things" but through spending my energy working to decrease the inequalities, and changing in any way possible the root cause - the energy system of the world - of give and take and power.

Perhaps then, I can give them money - however, that in the larger sense promotes laziness and dependency - a reward for doing something positive in their lives - change - or an incentive to make positive changes would make more sense.

The balance is hard to find - how do I properly give energy back that I have been given without a cost? Do I give them my time... my smiles... my positivity.... my listening... will they value that?

Living in a Reactive Society

2007-04-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

As opposed to Proactive Society. We're constantly on the defensive.. reacting to products - governments - policies - developments. We're so busy reacting that we don't take or spend the time to be proactive with creative innovative solutions to create what we want. We're bombarded with information, pressures, products, advertisments, and misinformation!
An example if community development - we are reacting to the fact that Wal-Mart wants to come to Worcester, Massachusetts.
But if we had a mechanism in place for proactivity - we would have council of representations continuously work on a 5 or 10 or other year plan - where we want to go. Then the community is involved in deciding how the community will progress and can ask for bids from companies to come and fulfill the needs they decided they have - not an outside organization deciding for you.
There's soemthing fundamentaly unsustainable about the mechanisms we have in place for faciitating development whether it's the top-down approach or the problem of spending millions of dollars on an environmental impact assessment of a project that will happen anyways and is oftentimes inherently unsustainable due to it's resource use.

Blogging Chapter 1

2007-04-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

I have never blogged before - nor had any interest in it - but here I am as a result of my fingers itching to get these thoughts down! I've recently been reinvigorated and overwhelmed with thoughts and musings on multiple topics - mainly how to create positive impact and progress in this globalizing world. So here I commence my thought bubbles!

What is Selling Out?

2007-04-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

selling out.... what does it mean?

I realized a couple of months ago that part of my definition of "selling out" was making money - and my immediate reaction was how silly that was. Then it spurred me to wonder what i want my definition to be.

I think a better definition would be:

Spending energy/time on an activity that inherently goes against your values - only with the object of money.

For example, I struggle with the knowledge that doing any promotional jobs (handing out free product samples) for $25/hour, is essentially selling out under that definition because I am spending energy perpetuating the consumer culture.
Or am I educating consumers and giving them options?
Perhaps I am enabling them to try out a product so they have experience not just advertisements to go on?
Doesn't everyone like free products?

So perhaps it depends on the angle. Tricky.

Perhaps then it's all about the benefits and costs and must be applied on a case-by-case basis.

Am i supporting Coca Cola, a horrible company, by having them pay me $20/hour to promote Fuze - their natural vitamin drink?