My Trips My Drug

A poem.. written in the style of Ginsberg's Howl
My trips, MY drug

Part one:

I watch myself plan another drug binge of ridiculous absurd adrenaline pumping crazed trips flying driving bussing running training walking biking with bags and bags and scarves always on the move opportunities galore created, spending earning couchsurfing free and wild freedom freedom freedom chasing

Where my veins pump pump pump with epinephrine trying to out-drive my own record of 20 hours straight stopping only barely for more fossil fuels from foreign countries we keep fighting - feeling guilty as an activist tree hugger but addicted with my tongue burning raw from Redbull and sour candy putting my body in a state of shock

Where I pick up hitchhikers on their way to California to grow medicinal marijuana and live in a tree or fill my car with random people from websites safe unsafe risky business don’t tell my friends - but saving the cost of the trip with me driving driving always control

Where I use couchsurfing to find a place to crash just in case and find myself in my old apartment, the host handing me my W2 forms and other mail - my shower curtain in the shower, he doesn’t like Hunter Thompson but maybe I’ll forgive him

Where family deaths and healthcare woes are brought up harshly by billboards in Tennessee advertising private hospitals like shopping malls, What has our healthcare system come to?

Where I slouch in wicker chair staring at big white feet on the hardwood floor in this apartment without power for days don’t open the refrigerator no hot water the rent hasn’t been paid a gas lamp hangs from the ceiling fan and nothing nothing is open on Sundays in the south not even the 24 hour power outage hotline

Where we lose an hour of time, our cell phones springing forward no warning no desire while dancing lively music, chatting with the accordion player at 3 am about Bush’s latest pretense at an energy bill – changing daylight savings time – the mother effing cherrypicker.

Where I get sad driving into a changed New Orleans, all the troublemakers have come back my friend warned, I no longer have my freedom to gallivant with murders every weekend. It’s alright the police say, it’s the criminals killing the criminals, bullshit I think as I watch the adorable 2 year old who’s only concern is keeping the 20 Thomas trains connected on the marble floor of the million dollar apartment overlooking the river, he’ll be moved soon, New Orleans won’t provide much childhood

Where I realize no one knows I’m in Vienna with my bags lost and a job in Paris in 24 hours with a Canadian actor, the freedom worry and exhilarating wandering around Vienna with my fluenttenyearsago German the plane too pricey the train too pricey the bus just right, 18 hours, have no choice but leave the country without my bags

Where he’s from Los Angeles and he’s from Virginia and they get the pick of the litter the girls the southern belles in baton rouge because they work in movies and are smart - better than New Orleans full of Mexicans who didn’t even bring their wives, haggling with customer service reps, turn my bankcard bank on and raise the limit so I can pay Emma the $640 for the rental car because I don’t have a license or credit card

Where I run into strangers who know my best friends during impromptu 4 am bass parades - it’s late join the parade don’t walk alone you’ll get shot

Where I drive into New Orleans after midnight a month after Katrina everyone in the car naïve - at every national guard post they won’t buy our story we have no map so drive drive drive and we’re lucky stumbling upon the only unguarded bridge - Suddenly we’re in the middle of downtown in a big white auspicious gas-guzzling SUV surrounded by military vehicles what will they do? Keep driving towards the lights the only place with lights, Bourbon street bright twilight zone of people and live music and open alcohol bottles party party party to forget forget don’t walk a block the lights are gone the people dead

Where I’m lost in the midst of little villages in Canada so small nothings open and my naïve American question receives laughs and confusion “which is the USA?” cell batterys dying and my dad can’t find me on the map – I have no map, I never have a map – just keep driving

Where I delight in the largest fire I’ve seen naked dancing music green goodness smoke smoke smoke and find my viola again playing with the voices and guitars up to the stars

Where I meet funny people while walking 100 blocks on sheer ice solo with luggage to play poker with kindergarten friends at midnight before sliding in the direction of my flight

Where last minute I catch a ride to bus to subway to rental car advertise online - rent sportscar pickup craigslist rider girl getting lost pulled over for swerving driving driving speeding 115 to New York city learning what cars are undercover cops almost died - arriving at 6am for roof party with band Zero 7’s off to find the next bar at 8am we get lost and I find central park for a nap at 9am with the families and couples of brightly colored towels the sun shining hot. Back to Zero 7’s keyboardist “will you marry me?” him and a bunch of tequila ask me…I almost move to London

Where I fly to Rome last minute find myself at free Simon & Garfunkel show Coliseum people people food smells full moon energy crying and realizing I can stop traveling around Europe now

Where I fly 24 hours in Portland, 24 hours in Denver sorry parents but we’re on deadline for a book - I know it’s Christmas but it’s fine not much value on that tradition I’m not religious anyways sorry next time I’ll come for longer maybe you could pay?

Where I get all my cities mixed up where am I? Spent more time out of the city I live in - frequent flier miles on every airline haphazardly organized I’m dizzy what day is it do I know you?

Where my sore ribs sore achy neck straining to check whether each car is an undercover cop hurting hurting speeding speeding don’t worry I don’t get tickets or accidents or crashes or run out of gas I’m in control without a map or directional sense don’t touch the wheel I want control

Where I find myself stoned am I dreaming? On the scariest rollercoaster in the middle of the desert thrills not sure I’ll survive but it doesn’t matter

Where I find myself sitting in a fancy shmancy palm suite in Vegas listening to the entire Big Lebowski movie because the TV won’t work with us listening slumped in plush couches visuals visuals never heard so many sounds that cost me $1000 friend never paid me back atrocious

Where I am salsa dancing in Los Angeles best dancer ever from Peru - white dress to stand out, do things differently everyone watching. Still get his emails

Where I find myself obsessed with a sunflower up for days jazz dancing music dirt hot hot people everywhere – don’t drink all the champagne we’ll need it in the morning for early morning helicopter ride

Where I find myself cramming into Josh Hartnett’s limousine – find the private balcony so we can get out of the crowds dirty drunk tourists to watch above throwing beads and beads and the naked breasts

Where I find myself bowling ordering drinks 6am empty lanes zebra pants green gambling hat fluff fluffy white five dollar slippers sunglasses glued to my head protect layer shield from bright lights and reality I’ve been in Vegas too long

Where I fly in not telling anyone but grandma sweet, hiding in the trunk to scare the shit out of dad, melt the magical chocolates yumm under my tongue and Ralph Steadman signs books watching slides reminiscing of Hunter smoking cigarettes let’s drive - get pulled over I passed all the tests, the 3am policewoman gave me her card


Part two:

Where did this come from?

Obsessions addictions manifestations of pressures and expectations from where?

Society who globalizes…move quickly quicker more people competition!
Parents moving moving! No stability! Houses lacking homes lacking traditions!

Expect more want more! Society pressures! Prodigy children – more quicker faster faster faster!

Change the world! Reduce your impact! Change change change now!
Play concertos age 4! Win the Olympics when you’re 7! Learn a barrage of languages by age 11!

Overbooked overbooked schedules! Be the best now – go! Run from school to sports to music to drivethru - pick up your sister driving driving driving traffic blockage!

Society world society! Globalizing further and further reaching tentacles to envelope every culture with fast-food culture!

Billions of people growing more more more! Be better! Stand out! Make a difference! Now now now is the time! No time to wait.

No boundaries! Any country! The world is your playground. Choices choices choices. Millions of cereals in the cereal aisle.
Mobilize globalize internet internet information access access no excuses

Outshine your parents….make up for their mistakes! Do it right for the – vicarious vicarious – make them feel young.

Free Tibet! Save the Children! Stop world Hunger! Save the Rainforest! Stop AIDs! Save the world! People are starving! Dying!

Society with pressure pressure pressure pound pound pounding through every media!
Stop buying! Stop consuming! No more materialism! Get a job get four. Get skills! Do more
Travel experience grow grow grow up into potential

Connect network remember! Thrive and create! Live to love! Make it interesting! Make it unique or you’ll get lost in the sea of Abercrombie & Fitch

Search for more! Discontent….move! Change!

No tradition or homes anymore. Disconnect! No congruency!
Society judging judging shaping! Defining you!

Society, which I rebel against! Society, which I wallow in – get lost in – get out!!


Part three:


Friends, I am with you on the train, the plane, the bus, the bike - mobilization

I am with you,
Rebelling against the expectations, the structure structure one way of doing things – do it right now!

I am with you,
Feeling the pressures of society invading every inch!

I am with you,
Connecting with peers young and old, addicts of all variety – we have that one thing in common if nothing less less

I am with you,
The adrenaline high – the beauty of it washing over us freely lunging forward into bliss

I am with you,
Where the consequences are blurred away into the future, we live in the now

I am with you,
Distract me distract me from reality, from responsibilities and over overcommitments

I am with you,
Without my drug I am lonely, solo in the saltplains of the Kalahari

I am with you,
Happy in my dependency, but don’t tell anyone – dependency isn’t always bad like depending on your friends, know the high – the consistent result

I am with you,
Let’s seek experience adventure thrills together

I am with you,
Avoidance avoiding avoiders huddle together!

I am with you,
Boredom restlessness like being trapped in a cardboard box with floral wallpaper.

I am with you,
Loving the image, the reaction, the smiles and laughs and disbeliefs

I am with you,
Indulging, all we have is the present, indulge more! Extravagance now!

I am with you,
The thrills! The endorphins!

I am with you,
Swimming in delightful nostalgia of past trips

I am with you,
It’s second nature now third nature

I am with you
Escape the continuity, constants, habitual repetition

I am with you
Escaping the present, getting wrapped up in the high

I am with you
Remembering or forgetting – emotions galore

I am with you
I love the attention, the culture community they love me

I am with you,
I love the connection through mutual addiction

I am with you!