Face to face with my inner pain

My decision-making mechanism wasn’t cooperating when I was weighing whether or not to go on this retreat. It was a constant back and forth — I need to buckle down and work, but I’m depressed and not productive, but I’ll feel better if I’m productive, but I can’t even get up before noon because I don’t care, but I need the money, but this trip will be good for me, but maybe I’m just escaping, but the retreat is me facing myself rather than just a distraction.

Eventually, I packed, even as I oscillated between worrying that I was running from my problems and loving the spontaneity of it all. I used to travel constantly — crazy and wild spontaneous trips — and living in Austin I had settled down with all its benefits and drawbacks. I even wrote a poem, senior year of college, called “My trips, my drugs” – a seasoned vet at life highs/experiences. It was invigorating to get back to that part of me, I told myself, so long as I do it in such a way that I’m processing my experiences and taking care of myself.

I had gone to the extreme during my senior year – left every weekend, never even unpacked my boxes, up till 4 a.m. every night working or on the phone or biking around or dancing; slept on the couch, didn’t buy books for school, left for the last month of school for my 4th United Nations Commission on Sustainable Development and speaking at the Asia Pacific Roundtable on Sustainable Consumption and Production in Vietnam before going to Brazil to visit my sister volunteering in the favelas (slums) and do a research project on the Clean Development Mechanism’s affect on the pig farmers.

My body started saying no more – I lost my sense of time and my stomach wasn’t literally physically digesting well – a reflection of myself not digesting/processing my experience of the world.

I digress, however, so I’ll return to the roadtrip – and how wary (and worried) I was that I’d regress into an old pattern instead of embracing a spontaneous trip in a healthy, balanced way. In the end, the adrenaline rush of the getting back to wild trips – the reason why friends call and ask, “Where in the world are you right now?” – plus the intense need for healing won over.

With my confusion about my depression I wasn’t sure what I was facing – or least wasn’t yet aware. The roadtrip was healing in many ways in itself, a lovely precursor. There were 5 beautiful beings, Josh, Sophia, Andrew, Victor and myself. I was reminded of my passion for environmental-sustainability through discussions with Victor (a couchsurfing belgian friend who spontaneously joined us), of my interest and background in Waldorf/alternative education with Andrew (a fellow yogic Austinite), and came face to face with my inner darkness.

I loved traveling with others as spontaneous as myself – three of us had decided that day for the trip. We stopped at sunset to take photos and explore an abandoned ranch – dancing on the side of the road without our egos.

Next we ventured to Balmorhea Springs – cold springs off the highway and jumped in the water with the fish. Someone decided to photograph us doing yoga poses on the diving board and rocks in the water, so that it looked like we were walking on water. After having watched the others confidently and peacefully do their yoga during lunch, I felt really self-conscious. I’m pretty sure they’ve all done yoga teacher training. I knew most of the poses that they were practicing, just lacked the confidence to just be present and listen to my body and let go of my ego. I tried to be comfortable and would do a couple poses, then would just lay down to sunbath instead and try not to show my jealously. I wasn’t able to just be okay with my level. I hoped that at the retreat I could be proud of where I’m at and be supportive of others.

I ended up taking almost all of the photos as I lacked yoga-pose-confidence to want to be in the spotlight. Finally, towards the end I stepped up and asked to be in one of the photos – doing Tree Pose on the diving board, something I knew I could handle. The other Texan travelers lounging there were intrigued and friendly about the hippie-yoga group.

Next stop was Albuquerque, sleeping in the living room of Josh’s friend, where after getting in quite late I felt like venturing for food. Victor offered to make me food instead. I felt somewhat hungry, but more felt like I should be eating based on having lost so much weight in the past 6 months. The weight loss wasn’t on purpose, I just started to listen to my body more and thus eat less sugar, breads and dairy. It felt so healthy but my family was alarmed when they saw me so I started to wonder about it. I had a strange response of feeling like maybe I should be eating more but knowing I should just listen to my body- head versus spirit. I felt weird around all these health-nuts eating pasta and sauce late at night before going to bed. I know it’s not good to eat right before sleeping. I do believe that being more spiritual and energetically aware and nurturing myself beyond through the means of physical food, I need less energy from that source. I’ve found that if I meditate and do yoga in the morning I have less need for food to get my energy for example and have less cravings.

The following morning we found our way to Spence hotsprings, on a beautiful mountainside, with 2 pools and the place to ourselves which truly allowed for us to connect with each other. On they way we found white clothes at thrift stores to prepare for White Tantric Yoga at the retreat. It was exhilirating going to the retreat with practically no knowledge of what to expect, with such strange things as White Tantric Yoga i’d never heard of.

The top pool has a small cave, the source of the spring - just enough room for one or two people, with colorful leftover wax from other beings’ delightful nights. The water is quite hot in there and if you’re clausterphobic you’ll surely not enjoy it. I went in the first time and just relaxed, the first thoughts being how wonderful it is to be on the road and how I want to keep exploring in this way. Andrew experienced the cave as going to the source, to nature, and had a wonderful spiritual encounter. So I decided to see the cave in that light - I re-entered the cave meditating on reconnecting with Gaia, our mother earth, and moved towards the underwater stone, the source. I was stopped harshly in my gentle movements by seeing a skull on the stone - I persisted, with positive momentum, desires and focus of reconnecting - and the skull turned to a face of utter agony and each second demonstrated more extreme writhing pain. I couldn’t stand my ground - I turned around and quickly went back to the comfort of my fellow companions, bluntly telling them about the skull but not offering much explanation but a white face.

I was scared – really scared. I had so strongly believed that I was going to reconnect with Gaia, ultimately with myself, that the energetic/physical world in front of me illustrated what I was up against inside. The pain and fear that I would have to move through to reconnect with my light and the light of the universe. I thought about venturing back in, to try and understand and overcome what I was up against – perhaps get different visuals and prove my strength. It had jolted me too much, and I won’t be hard on myself for having just let it alone. I suppose I knew I wasn’t strong enough to face it yet and would wait for some guidance at the retreat.

I still didn’t have a name for the pain, but now I had a second extreme visual of it.
I knew it was inside, thus of course at any time I could have access to understanding what it was that was bringing in such heaviness, but I think I needed the retreat to create the gently prodding open space for that exploration. I knew barely anything about the retreat but it probably wouldn’t have mattered too much as I was so ready to feel better.

As it was time to move on - we got out of the pools to jump in the cool river below and moments later multiple groups of people started arriving - wonderful timing.

We soon found ourselves in Espanola looking for the retreat, with no map, no internet, and no directions. But nowadays it’s rare you’re that disconnected… we called Andrew’s mom and directed her to the website. The directions still didn’t make sense, so we followed a Sikh woman in a turban to the dollar store and I asked her, after explaining why I was inappropriately in a bathing suit in the middle of town, how to find it. She calmly explained the few turns, and off we went up the 8 miles of dirt road until we saw the large circus-like tents.

Always excuse to not be yourself

And they are all based on fear.

I was meditating with my (our) cat sitting in front of me doing the same, and wondering about my different levels of being my crazy funny weird self in front of people - imagining how its quite energy wasteful to have to work towards that comfortability with everyone. And that I might not get there with everyone because they might have their own issues going on and not be able to show consistent replies - thus enabling me to create a fear of their response.

Hmmmm, what a silly cycle. Perhaps I could stop it right here and now by changing my REACTION to their response. Being who I am for ME, not for anyone else's response.
Then, I would never have to fear their reaction, worry about getting to a comfortable stage - and it would sure weed through people who won't like the crazy comfortable me more quickly.

That's the trick to figure out now of course. Has to do with self-love and self-confidence - that no matter what I do I will react positively and lovingly towards myself no matter their reaction or other external factors.

What's personal? Anything?

While reading "The Four Agreements: Chapter 3: Don't Take Anything Personally" it was hard for me to reconcile a broken heart with the words I was reading.
So if it's not personal that someone choses someone else over you - then I guess it must have something to do with the person who is choosing?
Perhaps your heart isn't being broken, but you are sad for the lost potential - when you have the choice to be happy that something happened and positive about what the future holds because you are confident and wonderful within yourself.
In my case, it's not as much as a broken heart, but a sadness that another will receive the treatment and attention that I yearned for and know I deserve and was trying to give. Thus it's time or overdue to reach out to find what I'm looking for elsewhere - that I shouldn't be upset that another person recognizes they are unable to be in the sort of relationship/connection that I'm looking for (maybe they are even sad about that) - but I should be happy that they recognized it and were able to move the energy forward towards us both finding healthier and more positive connections.

What about rejection? Is that personal? Hard to see how it couldn't be. Yet, I do firmly believe that nothing is personal. So then perhaps it is the other person's lack of recognition of how great you are - or their recognition of the fact that you wouldn't relate as well as you think - or it's timing - or it's their realization that for them, the situation isn't as ideal or wonderful as you think it is for you. That you may get a lot from it, but they aren't experiencing the same.

Another aspect is that you might think you are feeling rejection - when it might have nothing to do with the situation - but with past associations, or perhaps you're feeling afraid, you're feeling lost, maybe you don't even want to be with that person - you just want to be with someone. Maybe you're worried that despite there being 6 billion people out there, that you won't find another person to relate to.

In the end, I firmly do believe what I read, that nothing is personal. And when anything feels personal, I will be confident that I will be able to look at it from a new perspective or light that will enable me to understand how I am wrong - and how I can take the negativity created - and transform it into positivity.

Better to have loved....

and lost than to never have loved at all.

I would like to revise that:
Better to have loved and learned than never to have loved at all.

Or maybe just better to have loved! How can loving be losing?

If you lose that love in the present, you have not lost it in the past, it is forever yours. If you love yourself, then you never lose love in the present. If you are open, and unexpecting, you will find external love again. Take the moment to breathe and love yourself - focus inwards.
You will never "lose" love - it is within you.

Rubella? motels lobby churches? toiletpaper allowed?

My sister asked me whether I had heard about motels in Brazil.... which, having heard little of Brazil, I hadnt and she explained that the favela is mostly evangelist and catholic/christian and that you are not allowed to have sex in your home.
The apparent loophole, that everyone uses, is motels. You are somehow allowed to have sex in motels instead, but no birth control of course. So are the motels lobbying the church? Or maybe the churches own the motels... don't take me seriously please.
She said that most families have 7-15 children in the favelas (all with lice of course, which I have so far successfully avoided). All of the volunteers have had lice.
I am quite wary of lice, because last time I had to cut all my hair!

I did, however, for a couple of days, think that I had Rubella. No, I dont think I got the vaccine for it, and the woman Lindalva, who works at the organization said the bodyrash I had, and warm cheeks, seemed like Rubella to her.
She said its not a big deal, I am just now allowed to go anywhere for 8 days because I would either kill or cause complications
with any unborn babies... and there are a lot of pregnant woman - everywhere!
After some research, and the fading rash, I decided that due to an incubation period of 14-21 days, Its not likely I have rubella... Unless I got it in Austin. Hmmm Texas
but if I do - be careful if i have kissed you and dont go around killing babies.

So, at one point, I had a fullbody rubella rash (supposed), my eyes hurting, a hopefully not infected cut on my finger, swollen hands and feet, and sore limbs, surrounded by lice-infested volunteers. Wheres the spa? I am only kidding - it has been great and minor in comparison to the sicknesses, horrible ones, that my sister has complained/explained of every time I have spoken with her in the last 10 months. Makes me feel alive.

Feeling alive is a bit from a conversation I had with an english volunteer in that the people in the favelas are really living.. despite lack of resources. And its so sad that those with so many resources dont seem to do the same! Here there is community, and dancing, and art, and so much more - people are alive!

So what have I done in the last 3 days?
Well, I ate pancakes on Saturday, had falafels on Sunday, and had cabbage-meat on Monday.
Literally, besides a bit of internet to plan my next travels and research, the one meal has taken up all day. Time works quite differently here, preparing for, hanging out, and cleaning up after and planning etc, has been done quite leisurely with large groups of people.

I was quite happy about the meals these past three days, as my sister doesnt really eat, and spending time with her I was often hungry and in search of food. If it wasnt on the agenda, then we could snack on the volunteer food... which left me one night making beans/rice/carrots/garlic/

bellpeppers.

I have eaten meat at two meals now, as I wont refuse what a Brazilian family has kindly and generously prepared for me. Who knows whether the protein will be good for me, or it wont be good for my body to add additional new things it hasnt seen in a decade to an already confused system.

I have now arrived in Belo Horizonte, sitting at the computer desk of the room that my new
friend Roman and I are sharing as we couchsurf with a brazilian family, in particular, a girl from here, Olivia,
who just got back from being an au pair in Germany and is studying history at the University here.

Universities here are free, though there are some private universities that aren't very good. Olivia told us that it doesnt
help very much to have a degree to get a job - its contacts that really count. Theres also a debate here right now as to
the value of studying history - whether we can learn from it, or not.

I asked her to confirm that I could actually flush the toilet paper down the toilet, as my sister had told me yesterday that everywhere in Brazil you cant do that! Theres also a washing machine and internet - what a luxurious place for us to stay right now.
Her mom, aunt, and brother are very welcoming and we are going to meetup with 3 other couchsurfers tonight who I contacted, to see one of their friends play at a bar.

Once I decided to leave the favelas, partially from restlessness, and partially because I wasnt feeling so well, I realized that two of the volunteers, Roman, and Maria were also leaving yesterday so we are now travelling together. I am not used to travelling with other people, but they both speak portuguese, are spontaneous and flexible and a lot of fun. Roman is from Nepal and speaks 7 languages or so and Maria is from Norway. Roman is going to Amherst in the fall! Small world.

Its winter here in Brazil of course, and in the south its quite cold... so far ive been bundled up - with scarf and jacket and tennis shoes at the least - and its been constantly raining.
Fortunately we are on our way up north and today it is sunny! I am now in a tanktop and skirt and sandals and thinking about sunscreen - I am so looking forward to the beaches we will find a bit further north!
First, though we will go to uberlandia where I will stay for a couple of days or more, doing reserch on a development project there and visiting an ecovillage.

I have contacted all of the ecovillages in Brazil in the hopes of visiting and documenting my visit and disseminating the information through mass media websites as the beginning of a world-wide project that I want to start, bringing the lessons learned and innovative ideas and lifestyles from ecovillages to the mainstream. This is only just a chance for me to get an idea of how to go about it, and in the future, I will partner with organizations, have more structure and sponsorship... but the best way to learn is to just try it out for now!
I have been invited to go to the ecovillge in the northwest amazon, but it will take a long time and cost a lot - so I dont know that I should do that unless I want to change my flight back home. I will go visit one in uberlandia, which is about 6 people...lots of mosquitoes and I need to bring a sleeping bag for the floor. We shall see!

Whenever I am around those whose first language isnt english, my english devolves... I make all sorts of mistakes, which doesnt help them learn, and only entertains me. I'll see what I can do about that... lack of fluidity in my sentences and thoughts even as I start to mix spanish, portuguese, french, and german with my english.

Last nights 9 hour bus ride is the first time in a longtime that I havent been able to sleep on a bus for the first couple of hours... so many thoughts running through my head!

I started to think again, Sunday. Noticable" I was no longer exhausted by speaking multiple languages, the food, culture shock, and the health tolls - and I started talking and feeling a better version of myself. It was refreshing and now I am on a roll again... creatively travelling and learning and exploring, proactively!

Also, traveling is getting my creative juices going once more on the positive-impact travel site I have wanted to create for awhile. Dont steal my idea, because I am going to do it :-)

love